The Valley...

I'm no fool.  I know that I've been led here so that I show another the way out.  I'm going to journal the whole way through to leave a trail.  Call me the Harriett Tubman of The Valley.  I've been enslaved, I've made my bed in Massah's house... I even tried to make it comfy, so as not to face the fact that........... i'm gonna have to fight for my freedom eventually.  Some days, slavery didn't feel so bad.  Other days, I couldn't fathom even putting one toe out of my bed.  For years.  I thought that if i just did this and a little of that... had that person with me or ate that thing, that it would eventually right itself.  It was my fault anyway.  Several things that came my way that i did to myself, made it hard to see the things that were totally out of my control.  It was just easier to blame me.

Fight or flight mode.  Live in a state of panic or fear long enough and you'll train your brain to either be anxious or depressed.  I've been ducking and dodging this part of my journey for a loooooooong time.  Now I'm here to stay and fight.  I'm going to go ahead and walk straight through this Valley and win.  Then leave my mile markers behind for all those who will come behind me, are still there by the time I come out and who were hiding in the same places I was so they wouldn't have to go through it.

Confrontation.  This is a fight for my Joy.  A fight for everything I've lost over the years due to lack, depression, no ambition or energy to seize what's mine.  I'm about to confront everything that stands in the way of the exit to this Valley. Every demon in hell... i want you to know... i'm coming out and I will win.  Jesus is walking through this with me.  He's holding my hand and He's showing me the way out.  If you try to hold on to my clothes, I'll burn you with fire, and you better not try and touch my body.  If you try to touch me your arms are gonna be broken in the name of Jesus!  I will call ALL of my protection, legions of God's Army to stand in my defense you even THINK you're gonna harm my family IN JESUS' NAME!!!  Now i need for you to see that this is a spiritual contract... it's not a threat... it's damn Law!!  I'm coming out of this alive and well, healed and whole.  Stand back and watch me!

Psalm 23:4-6

4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil; For You are with me;

Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;

You anoint my head with oil;

My cup runs over.

6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me

All the days of my life; And I will dwell in the house of the LORD

Forever.

Severe Thunderstorm Warning in My Head

Sleep would be awesome right now.  Apparently that's not for me tonight.  I feel like there are a million things screaming for my attention during this time and I have no idea where to start.  Awakened by an "any hour of the day" habitual texter and the sound of my husband pissed off about it... God help my mouth.  People truly don't understand how much crap goes on in my day... so when I ask you to text me within certain hours of the day... dude that's exactly what I mean.  Our issues run deeper than tonight though.. she and I have had yeeeeaaarrrs of us getting on each other's last eva lovin' nerves.  The next time will be soooo ugly... and totally on purpose.  Now I don't know if I'll be able to sleep before the New day barges through my window proclaiming itself...

So here's me emptying out my brain so that nothing else lives in there but z's:

First off, just to let YEW know... the bigger person doesn't need to get the last word... so take that, jerk!!!

I'm a control freak.  I don't mean a lil bit= I mean to the point where people's civil liberties could be revoked if i could have it my way. true story. 

The battlefield is soooo in the mind.  I mean the more i layed there.. the more i could picture myself really doing some damage to somebody... body shots and all... but then the Lord quoted one of my current favorite scriptures, Proverbs 29:18- "Where there is no vision, the people perish: but he that keeps the law, happy is he".... as soon as I heard that scripture pop intp my head... all the anger and frustration just went away and I could think clearly again.  I started to envision the life I want to have and how i want my household to be run.  It made me smile and it lifted me.. battle won.  However, now I can't sleep from thinking about all of these things that i want!

I think I'm going to sue my apartment complex.  Me and the baby had a really bad fall on Friday which landed us both in the E.R.  It was completely their fault.  Now I don't know what to do... on the one hand... I'm pissed and would totally be doing it to get back at them and MAKE them hold some responsibility for what happened to us!  On the other, my God says that vengeance is His... so I can't take that approach with this situation.  Maybe we'll tell them the situation and then let them decide how they'll compensate us.  Me and my fracture boot will be sitting in their office on Monday, thank you very much! ---spiritual council welcome on this situation---

I'm really buggin' about the future of my Organization.  There is so much that must be done in my community but there seems not to be enough people doing anything about it!  So me and my Sorors are literally SWAMPED with opportunities that people are hurling our way... i've never seen so many desperate people in my life.  We need more people to help us.  We need willing and able bodies to take some time out of their schedules to do something that will touch a life.  I'm praying that the Lord is about to pour His blessings all over us and this org because we need it.  If you know somebody willing to help... tell them to contact me at info@thetasigmalambda.org ... members and volunteers WANTED!!

Hmmmm... is there more?  Let's see.  Okay, so what i really want to do more than anything in this world right now is do laundry, mop my floors, vacuum the carpet, do some grocery shopping to make a BANGIN' meal and straighten up the rest of the house.  JESUS HELP ME!!! What is my DEAL???  It's 1:05 IN THE MERnTiNG!!! #foolishness <<-- omgsh... why did i just put a hashtag on my blog??? This ain't Twitter!!  I'm being brainwashed by this dang on Internet!  Prayer needed.   

Okay, the storm is subsiding... i think.  I feel better... guess i just had to let it all hang out for a minute.  Whoever takes the time to read this... you are dead wrong if you don't comment lolol... j/k <<---but am i??  hmmmm ...lolol no seriously though, i'm getting goofy which is a good sign!  It means that the sandman may have hit me in the face again... let's give sleep another try! 

G'night/MornTing Bloggerz :)

Blood & Tears...

It's me again...

Thank you friend.  You're always there when i need you.  When i need a blank sheet of paper to write on or when i just need for it to be my perspective and nobody else's.  I appreciate my blog.

I feel heavy whenever i look at the news.  I see all this senseless blood being shed.  People getting shot down like it's hunting season.  How will we overcome this in our city?  This lil bitty town has enough going on for 4 or 5 cities!  From the lack of jobs and poverty to the gangs and wanna be gang activity.  I was told the other day that somebody literally got shot in the club because the song they requested didn't get played before someone else's.  WHAT?!?!  I'm struggling to not just ask my husband to move us somewhere else.  He's ready to go... but nowadays... everywhere you go is about the same.

This world's inhabitants fell off a huge cliff a long time ago and now we're nearing the end of that fall.  The crash will not be pleasant.  The further you have to fall, the more momentum you gain along the way---which means, what started as a penny will end up being an atomic bomb x's a million. 

I pray for my city.  I mourn for my city like it was an old friend of mine.  I'm so sad that the biggest industry in my city is the health care and funeral home businesses.  I'm asking the Lord to destroy the foolishness, innocent and not so innocent bloodshed.  Pray with me friends, in a few days we will be celebrating the day our Lord shed THE ONLY BLOOD NECESSARY to be made whole again. 

He is risen!!!  Pray the Lord will resurrect this city again... love u all...

Pride clipped your heels...

I've learned so very much over the past.... ohhhh 9 months or so.  Wisdom like that is just PRICELESS!!  I've learned so much about humility and just what it means to be humble.  It's a tough lesson, but i've seen first hand what happens when we allow our pride to stand in the way of things.  Now i've always been transparent... always open and honest with people... but too much isn't wisdom either.  You can say that I've learned where my happy medium is.

I've recently seen what happens to friendships when there is a lack of transparency or offering a level vulnerability.  It's interesting because I didn't even know that vulnerability was a prerequisite to humility.  It is.  When you are so full of pride that you refuse to allow others to see YOU, then you'll be forced to watch a wedge be driven between you and the ones you "say" you love. 

Too prideful.  Like, the fear of being open and honest about your true self is so great that you'd prefer to put on a facade of unfazed strength.  People start to see the facade and they'll ultimately think you're fake. 

They don't see that you're afraid to be vulnerable with them.  They only see the mask.  While you're trying to protect yourself from being hurt, others only see that you're not genuine. I thank God for His redeeming power and awesome love!  I've also been witness to how being totally honest and transparent can save friendships, make them stronger and even melt the ice around someone's heart.  

I just pray we will all begin to think of how our "defense mechanisms" are creating a rift in our relationships.  Sometimes it's just not worth it to try and always "appear" so put together.  I believe our imperfections are the things that make us awesome and REAL... not our futile attempts at complete perfection.  Proceed in wisdom, but try to find a more authentic self...not a contrived one.   Pride & Haughtiness does, after all, go before the fall.  That is all. 

SoapBox Hypocrite

This is what i want you to do.  Everytime you get up on your soapbox and try to tell somebody else to do something you haven't even BEGUN to master, it pisses me off!  You LOVE to talk about the church... aren't YOU the church?  You love to talk about ghetto people... don't even LET me start in on you about that!!!  You LOVE to hate the very things that you ARE!  Here's a tip with love...

Sit down please... wait until those areas of your own life are right before you stand before the jury trying to convict another.  You're the biggest critic i know and i still have yet to see all that you preach to others, manifest in your own life.  I'm calling you out... and you better feel swell that i'm not doing it by name.  Beat it!  And oh  yeah... TALK TO THE HAND....TALK TO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Moving Forward on my Journey...

I'm deep into my journey... walking along on my path.  Trees are everywhere and I know there's a dense forest ahead... yet i keep walking and searching.  Searching for the depth inside.  That place that is buried because, well, i just like it that way.  We bury things we want to go away.  I'm now in a scary season.  A season where i'm digging up my own bones to bring them back to life.  I will either revive them long enough to make them extinct once and for all or ... or i don't know what.  Maybe that's the only reason I'll revive them. One way i'm going to succeed in this season: I'm keeping my promise to nurture my blog and forsake Facebook...this is gonna be difficult. 

Facebook is the devil for me! lol No. Serious. It is... i find that it distracts me and makes me angry.  All i want to do is judge people and point the finger and it makes me feel justified in my judgements!!

 Or does it?  I realize sometimes that being on Facebook and pointing the finger only distracts me from my own mess.  Now I'm sad.  I'm sad because there are things i could say to help some folks... yet how can i help somebody when my own life is in shambles?? I would be a fool to say anything at all!

I have way too much going on in my own life and walk to be worried about another.

So here I am.  I'm here.  Taking the necessary time to be introspective to gain perspective on what comes next.  I feel so frustrated.  When you're forced to peek in back of you to see the carnage you've left behind and then wonder how in the HELL you're going to make it better... i just-don't-know.  I don't feel like i have anyone i can talk to about it, other than God... who is definitely all I need... but you want others to see you and advise you as well. 

I don't care who judges me.  I don't care who sees my mess and points at me.  I don't even care if rumors start from seeing it!  I just want it to GET BETTER!  I don't know why i feel depressed sometimes... i don't know why sometimes i can't feel Christ working in my life the way i know He is.  These are questions that i feel are necessary to be answered moving forward.  "Moving Forward"... that's truly all i want. 

Matthew 10:16

Like, who am I really fighting here?  Why does it seem like brand new enemies are appearing out of no where?  I've always had this feeling that i needed to stand alone because people just aren't trustworthy... i know it says that we wrestle NOT against flesh and blood and that our battles are in the spiritual... but what is to be said about these people that allow the enemy to use them???  Are we to just overlook the fact that these folks, having free will, just allow the enemy to use them to hurt others?  These people with their flaky, sometimey ways... these people who go behind your back to discuss every word that comes out of your mouth... same folks that CLAIM to be of God, yet live their lives in blatant disrespect of His Majesty.  Why have i let them so close to me?  I feel stupid.  Why don't i have enough sense to shut the door on folks like these? 

Stealth mode.  I can't trust you.  Although you've proven yourself untrustworthy, i won't change... and you really wont know that i've found you out.  All you'll know is, "Wow, she really doesn't talk as openly to me as she used to".... that day will be awesome for me!  It will mean that i've learned how to give what is necessary and control my mouthgate!  I'm way too emotional about this stuff, yo!  Lord, melt the icebox forming around me... don't allow my heart to become hardened against your people!  Holy Spirit help me to continue on in my love, but give me wisdom on my own conduct around these people who are too ignorant to know that what they do, is harmful! 

I feel better.  Blogs are a blessing because it allows me to release in ways that i can't do with many!

Matthew 10:16- Look, I am sending you out as sheep among wolves. So be as shrewd as snakes and harmless as doves

I shall endure until the end though....

So i continue....

Sitting at my drawing board drawing blanks.  Revisiting the Ghosts of Passions Past... realizing that you can't make anyone feel what you feel for it.  You have to find your own worth in a thing.  So, because it's my passion, i will make passionate love to it.  Being fruitful and multiplying it upon the earth.  Purposely putting on blinders to block out distractions, mowing them down when they get in direct view.  Asking God to assist me in correct battles, leaving behind those that aren't mine.  It's hard to know when knowledge is blocked from you.  Lord reveal the truth... the battlefield of the mind is a dangerous place to fight.  Sometimes i feel crazy because of the things i have to think in order to just maintain. Remain the same, never. Quite clever.. allowing you to see only what i want you to.  It's healthy to create distance, like, "I fly above all my haters"..i fly above, only in Love with the Most High, the High I feel when we're together makes me want more..................................... so i continue.  I will never quit.  I know that there is Territory out there for me that is mine and only mine.  Even if i have to go through many drafts of it in order to perfect it, just call this draft 333.... perfect number if you ask me.  It signifies a relentless nature in me, a desire to get it right no matter how many nights i spend on my face.  Hearing false voices and trusting it only leads to me perfecting the One True voice of God.  So i continue....on and on until the dawn no longer breaks..... i wonder how much longer it'll take...|||

Emptying Myself Out- Random, yet Current Truths...

I struggle with realizing that i suck too.  I struggle with the fact that the things i get mad at others about, are the same things i get mad at myself about.  In a perfect world, everybody would do the right things, say the right things, believe the right things and just do right by each other.  No perfect world.  So here it goes...

Sometimes i feel empty, but only because i don't fill myself up with the right things.  I usually notice when i'm leaning and believing in man way too much because that's when i'm most frustrated.  It's hard to have close relationships when you know you'll get hurt or disappointed........ a lot.  Pastor gave a quote on Sunday that says that Love believes and hopes all things.  I agree, in a perfect world.... but as i stated earlier.....................Not in a perfect world...so here it goes.....

There is a something that tries to emerge in my mind a lot.  The only way to describe it is Nostalgia.  It's like my mind is trying to remember something that my Spirit won't allow it to.  Whenever it pops up in my mind, the thought gets shut down before i can recognize exactly what it is.  It's loaded with sentimental feelings and happiness.  There's a self-satisfaction associated with it and whenever it's about to become really familiar...... it gets shut down by something inside.  I'm beginning to try and go there more and more because now i want to know what it is!  I don't have very many happy memories....so that's why i'm trying to hold on to this thing.

Sometimes i wonder if i will always go through this one particular thing.  It's cyclical and whenever i see it coming, i honestly don't know how to stop it!  It's like a freight train.  I know God is stronger and I'm still hoping for deliverance.

Why does it seem like everybody around me has some ridiculous hormonal imbalance?!  I mean... yaw are making ME crazy!!!!!!!  I would love to just smack all of you!  You irritate me!  And considering that i lack patience you should really just shut up around me! lolololol... *sigh*... i actually feel better now :-]  Maybe i need to get my hormones checked..smh!

I've always thought that meditation was whack!  I thought it was just a bunch of crazies sitting Indian Style on the floor moaning.  You know what though... give me some candles or incense with my favorite music, on some soft pillows thinking about really good things, visualizing the life i want is all it takes to help me smile.  I'm rethinking this meditation thing....

He told me, flat out, "If you keep your mind stayed on Me, I'll keep you in perfect peace".... why didn't i listen??  Why is it so hard to do the simple things that God asks us to do?  Makes me feel stupid... i mean that's a PROMISE!!! I could take Him up on that and He would PROVE that He CAN'T lie!! 

Michelle... get it together CHICK!!!

*Click*

Do you remember when you were younger and that one chick you hated, or that dude you were beefin' with would get phone calls all day from you just so you could hang up on them when they answered???  I mean, even the Mama could get a *CLICK* if she picked up when you called.  Dude, like what was that about?! 

Just some passive aggressive way of getting back at somebody that you're pissed at.  Those days are not only dead, but they're no longer recognizable to me.  However................I have recently gotten some phone calls from some people that instead of me calling them and hanging up, i would've enjoyed just hanging up on them while already ON the phone with them... i mean just a good old fashion *CLICK*!!!!!!

I'm coming to grips with the fact that i have some seriously superficial relationships in my life.  It's weird because, while not every relationship has the same depths as the other, these relationships i thought were... deep.  So just like the Sleep Number Bed, i'm recalibrating some thought processes.  You see, i'm more than positive that right now, somebody is on the phone gossiping about me to somebody else about something that i just said.  <<<<-----That right there.... lets me know that I've let some in wayyy too close.  I'm dealing with it.  Now i must pull it back.  You can't just come out of the door giving it all to everyone.  My husband has been dealing with me on this for years.  He's totally closed to people and i'm totally open...we're both learning to give and take in the proper areas. More specifically I'm learning to give me to only a few that have a track record of trustworthy...not just to those i'm hoping to trust one day.

I'm positive of several things:

• My issues have more to do with trust than anything else
• There are some that make it difficult for me to trust them because they talk too much
• My trust should be with God and not man

That list makes sense to me, but it's contradictory to some.  And that's okay, because it only needs to make sense to me.  I'm just realizing that I'm too quick to trust and i'm too quick to *CLICK* on someone.  I believe the BEST in everyone and that's how i get hurt so quickly and so profoundly.  I give my all and expect the same in return- that's not wisdom.  I pour myself out to those around me, i fiercely protect those i love.  Then there i stand, naked & unprotected.  Well, that only leaves me pissed off and feeling betrayed.  That's when i want those i feel left me that way, to hear that *CLICK* in their ear.  They will, and now I'm struggling to care!!!

*CLICK*
(just venting)