I struggle with realizing that i suck too. I struggle with the fact that the things i get mad at others about, are the same things i get mad at myself about. In a perfect world, everybody would do the right things, say the right things, believe the right things and just do right by each other. No perfect world. So here it goes...
Sometimes i feel empty, but only because i don't fill myself up with the right things. I usually notice when i'm leaning and believing in man way too much because that's when i'm most frustrated. It's hard to have close relationships when you know you'll get hurt or disappointed........ a lot. Pastor gave a quote on Sunday that says that Love believes and hopes all things. I agree, in a perfect world.... but as i stated earlier.....................Not in a perfect world...so here it goes.....
There is a something that tries to emerge in my mind a lot. The only way to describe it is Nostalgia. It's like my mind is trying to remember something that my Spirit won't allow it to. Whenever it pops up in my mind, the thought gets shut down before i can recognize exactly what it is. It's loaded with sentimental feelings and happiness. There's a self-satisfaction associated with it and whenever it's about to become really familiar...... it gets shut down by something inside. I'm beginning to try and go there more and more because now i want to know what it is! I don't have very many happy memories....so that's why i'm trying to hold on to this thing.
Sometimes i wonder if i will always go through this one particular thing. It's cyclical and whenever i see it coming, i honestly don't know how to stop it! It's like a freight train. I know God is stronger and I'm still hoping for deliverance.
Why does it seem like everybody around me has some ridiculous hormonal imbalance?! I mean... yaw are making ME crazy!!!!!!! I would love to just smack all of you! You irritate me! And considering that i lack patience you should really just shut up around me! lolololol... *sigh*... i actually feel better now :-] Maybe i need to get my hormones checked..smh!
I've always thought that meditation was whack! I thought it was just a bunch of crazies sitting Indian Style on the floor moaning. You know what though... give me some candles or incense with my favorite music, on some soft pillows thinking about really good things, visualizing the life i want is all it takes to help me smile. I'm rethinking this meditation thing....
He told me, flat out, "If you keep your mind stayed on Me, I'll keep you in perfect peace".... why didn't i listen?? Why is it so hard to do the simple things that God asks us to do? Makes me feel stupid... i mean that's a PROMISE!!! I could take Him up on that and He would PROVE that He CAN'T lie!!
Michelle... get it together CHICK!!!
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