Blood & Tears...

It's me again...

Thank you friend.  You're always there when i need you.  When i need a blank sheet of paper to write on or when i just need for it to be my perspective and nobody else's.  I appreciate my blog.

I feel heavy whenever i look at the news.  I see all this senseless blood being shed.  People getting shot down like it's hunting season.  How will we overcome this in our city?  This lil bitty town has enough going on for 4 or 5 cities!  From the lack of jobs and poverty to the gangs and wanna be gang activity.  I was told the other day that somebody literally got shot in the club because the song they requested didn't get played before someone else's.  WHAT?!?!  I'm struggling to not just ask my husband to move us somewhere else.  He's ready to go... but nowadays... everywhere you go is about the same.

This world's inhabitants fell off a huge cliff a long time ago and now we're nearing the end of that fall.  The crash will not be pleasant.  The further you have to fall, the more momentum you gain along the way---which means, what started as a penny will end up being an atomic bomb x's a million. 

I pray for my city.  I mourn for my city like it was an old friend of mine.  I'm so sad that the biggest industry in my city is the health care and funeral home businesses.  I'm asking the Lord to destroy the foolishness, innocent and not so innocent bloodshed.  Pray with me friends, in a few days we will be celebrating the day our Lord shed THE ONLY BLOOD NECESSARY to be made whole again. 

He is risen!!!  Pray the Lord will resurrect this city again... love u all...

Pride clipped your heels...

I've learned so very much over the past.... ohhhh 9 months or so.  Wisdom like that is just PRICELESS!!  I've learned so much about humility and just what it means to be humble.  It's a tough lesson, but i've seen first hand what happens when we allow our pride to stand in the way of things.  Now i've always been transparent... always open and honest with people... but too much isn't wisdom either.  You can say that I've learned where my happy medium is.

I've recently seen what happens to friendships when there is a lack of transparency or offering a level vulnerability.  It's interesting because I didn't even know that vulnerability was a prerequisite to humility.  It is.  When you are so full of pride that you refuse to allow others to see YOU, then you'll be forced to watch a wedge be driven between you and the ones you "say" you love. 

Too prideful.  Like, the fear of being open and honest about your true self is so great that you'd prefer to put on a facade of unfazed strength.  People start to see the facade and they'll ultimately think you're fake. 

They don't see that you're afraid to be vulnerable with them.  They only see the mask.  While you're trying to protect yourself from being hurt, others only see that you're not genuine. I thank God for His redeeming power and awesome love!  I've also been witness to how being totally honest and transparent can save friendships, make them stronger and even melt the ice around someone's heart.  

I just pray we will all begin to think of how our "defense mechanisms" are creating a rift in our relationships.  Sometimes it's just not worth it to try and always "appear" so put together.  I believe our imperfections are the things that make us awesome and REAL... not our futile attempts at complete perfection.  Proceed in wisdom, but try to find a more authentic self...not a contrived one.   Pride & Haughtiness does, after all, go before the fall.  That is all. 

SoapBox Hypocrite

This is what i want you to do.  Everytime you get up on your soapbox and try to tell somebody else to do something you haven't even BEGUN to master, it pisses me off!  You LOVE to talk about the church... aren't YOU the church?  You love to talk about ghetto people... don't even LET me start in on you about that!!!  You LOVE to hate the very things that you ARE!  Here's a tip with love...

Sit down please... wait until those areas of your own life are right before you stand before the jury trying to convict another.  You're the biggest critic i know and i still have yet to see all that you preach to others, manifest in your own life.  I'm calling you out... and you better feel swell that i'm not doing it by name.  Beat it!  And oh  yeah... TALK TO THE HAND....TALK TO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Moving Forward on my Journey...

I'm deep into my journey... walking along on my path.  Trees are everywhere and I know there's a dense forest ahead... yet i keep walking and searching.  Searching for the depth inside.  That place that is buried because, well, i just like it that way.  We bury things we want to go away.  I'm now in a scary season.  A season where i'm digging up my own bones to bring them back to life.  I will either revive them long enough to make them extinct once and for all or ... or i don't know what.  Maybe that's the only reason I'll revive them. One way i'm going to succeed in this season: I'm keeping my promise to nurture my blog and forsake Facebook...this is gonna be difficult. 

Facebook is the devil for me! lol No. Serious. It is... i find that it distracts me and makes me angry.  All i want to do is judge people and point the finger and it makes me feel justified in my judgements!!

 Or does it?  I realize sometimes that being on Facebook and pointing the finger only distracts me from my own mess.  Now I'm sad.  I'm sad because there are things i could say to help some folks... yet how can i help somebody when my own life is in shambles?? I would be a fool to say anything at all!

I have way too much going on in my own life and walk to be worried about another.

So here I am.  I'm here.  Taking the necessary time to be introspective to gain perspective on what comes next.  I feel so frustrated.  When you're forced to peek in back of you to see the carnage you've left behind and then wonder how in the HELL you're going to make it better... i just-don't-know.  I don't feel like i have anyone i can talk to about it, other than God... who is definitely all I need... but you want others to see you and advise you as well. 

I don't care who judges me.  I don't care who sees my mess and points at me.  I don't even care if rumors start from seeing it!  I just want it to GET BETTER!  I don't know why i feel depressed sometimes... i don't know why sometimes i can't feel Christ working in my life the way i know He is.  These are questions that i feel are necessary to be answered moving forward.  "Moving Forward"... that's truly all i want. 

Matthew 10:16

Like, who am I really fighting here?  Why does it seem like brand new enemies are appearing out of no where?  I've always had this feeling that i needed to stand alone because people just aren't trustworthy... i know it says that we wrestle NOT against flesh and blood and that our battles are in the spiritual... but what is to be said about these people that allow the enemy to use them???  Are we to just overlook the fact that these folks, having free will, just allow the enemy to use them to hurt others?  These people with their flaky, sometimey ways... these people who go behind your back to discuss every word that comes out of your mouth... same folks that CLAIM to be of God, yet live their lives in blatant disrespect of His Majesty.  Why have i let them so close to me?  I feel stupid.  Why don't i have enough sense to shut the door on folks like these? 

Stealth mode.  I can't trust you.  Although you've proven yourself untrustworthy, i won't change... and you really wont know that i've found you out.  All you'll know is, "Wow, she really doesn't talk as openly to me as she used to".... that day will be awesome for me!  It will mean that i've learned how to give what is necessary and control my mouthgate!  I'm way too emotional about this stuff, yo!  Lord, melt the icebox forming around me... don't allow my heart to become hardened against your people!  Holy Spirit help me to continue on in my love, but give me wisdom on my own conduct around these people who are too ignorant to know that what they do, is harmful! 

I feel better.  Blogs are a blessing because it allows me to release in ways that i can't do with many!

Matthew 10:16- Look, I am sending you out as sheep among wolves. So be as shrewd as snakes and harmless as doves

I shall endure until the end though....

So i continue....

Sitting at my drawing board drawing blanks.  Revisiting the Ghosts of Passions Past... realizing that you can't make anyone feel what you feel for it.  You have to find your own worth in a thing.  So, because it's my passion, i will make passionate love to it.  Being fruitful and multiplying it upon the earth.  Purposely putting on blinders to block out distractions, mowing them down when they get in direct view.  Asking God to assist me in correct battles, leaving behind those that aren't mine.  It's hard to know when knowledge is blocked from you.  Lord reveal the truth... the battlefield of the mind is a dangerous place to fight.  Sometimes i feel crazy because of the things i have to think in order to just maintain. Remain the same, never. Quite clever.. allowing you to see only what i want you to.  It's healthy to create distance, like, "I fly above all my haters"..i fly above, only in Love with the Most High, the High I feel when we're together makes me want more..................................... so i continue.  I will never quit.  I know that there is Territory out there for me that is mine and only mine.  Even if i have to go through many drafts of it in order to perfect it, just call this draft 333.... perfect number if you ask me.  It signifies a relentless nature in me, a desire to get it right no matter how many nights i spend on my face.  Hearing false voices and trusting it only leads to me perfecting the One True voice of God.  So i continue....on and on until the dawn no longer breaks..... i wonder how much longer it'll take...|||

Emptying Myself Out- Random, yet Current Truths...

I struggle with realizing that i suck too.  I struggle with the fact that the things i get mad at others about, are the same things i get mad at myself about.  In a perfect world, everybody would do the right things, say the right things, believe the right things and just do right by each other.  No perfect world.  So here it goes...

Sometimes i feel empty, but only because i don't fill myself up with the right things.  I usually notice when i'm leaning and believing in man way too much because that's when i'm most frustrated.  It's hard to have close relationships when you know you'll get hurt or disappointed........ a lot.  Pastor gave a quote on Sunday that says that Love believes and hopes all things.  I agree, in a perfect world.... but as i stated earlier.....................Not in a perfect world...so here it goes.....

There is a something that tries to emerge in my mind a lot.  The only way to describe it is Nostalgia.  It's like my mind is trying to remember something that my Spirit won't allow it to.  Whenever it pops up in my mind, the thought gets shut down before i can recognize exactly what it is.  It's loaded with sentimental feelings and happiness.  There's a self-satisfaction associated with it and whenever it's about to become really familiar...... it gets shut down by something inside.  I'm beginning to try and go there more and more because now i want to know what it is!  I don't have very many happy memories....so that's why i'm trying to hold on to this thing.

Sometimes i wonder if i will always go through this one particular thing.  It's cyclical and whenever i see it coming, i honestly don't know how to stop it!  It's like a freight train.  I know God is stronger and I'm still hoping for deliverance.

Why does it seem like everybody around me has some ridiculous hormonal imbalance?!  I mean... yaw are making ME crazy!!!!!!!  I would love to just smack all of you!  You irritate me!  And considering that i lack patience you should really just shut up around me! lolololol... *sigh*... i actually feel better now :-]  Maybe i need to get my hormones checked..smh!

I've always thought that meditation was whack!  I thought it was just a bunch of crazies sitting Indian Style on the floor moaning.  You know what though... give me some candles or incense with my favorite music, on some soft pillows thinking about really good things, visualizing the life i want is all it takes to help me smile.  I'm rethinking this meditation thing....

He told me, flat out, "If you keep your mind stayed on Me, I'll keep you in perfect peace".... why didn't i listen??  Why is it so hard to do the simple things that God asks us to do?  Makes me feel stupid... i mean that's a PROMISE!!! I could take Him up on that and He would PROVE that He CAN'T lie!! 

Michelle... get it together CHICK!!!

*Click*

Do you remember when you were younger and that one chick you hated, or that dude you were beefin' with would get phone calls all day from you just so you could hang up on them when they answered???  I mean, even the Mama could get a *CLICK* if she picked up when you called.  Dude, like what was that about?! 

Just some passive aggressive way of getting back at somebody that you're pissed at.  Those days are not only dead, but they're no longer recognizable to me.  However................I have recently gotten some phone calls from some people that instead of me calling them and hanging up, i would've enjoyed just hanging up on them while already ON the phone with them... i mean just a good old fashion *CLICK*!!!!!!

I'm coming to grips with the fact that i have some seriously superficial relationships in my life.  It's weird because, while not every relationship has the same depths as the other, these relationships i thought were... deep.  So just like the Sleep Number Bed, i'm recalibrating some thought processes.  You see, i'm more than positive that right now, somebody is on the phone gossiping about me to somebody else about something that i just said.  <<<<-----That right there.... lets me know that I've let some in wayyy too close.  I'm dealing with it.  Now i must pull it back.  You can't just come out of the door giving it all to everyone.  My husband has been dealing with me on this for years.  He's totally closed to people and i'm totally open...we're both learning to give and take in the proper areas. More specifically I'm learning to give me to only a few that have a track record of trustworthy...not just to those i'm hoping to trust one day.

I'm positive of several things:

• My issues have more to do with trust than anything else
• There are some that make it difficult for me to trust them because they talk too much
• My trust should be with God and not man

That list makes sense to me, but it's contradictory to some.  And that's okay, because it only needs to make sense to me.  I'm just realizing that I'm too quick to trust and i'm too quick to *CLICK* on someone.  I believe the BEST in everyone and that's how i get hurt so quickly and so profoundly.  I give my all and expect the same in return- that's not wisdom.  I pour myself out to those around me, i fiercely protect those i love.  Then there i stand, naked & unprotected.  Well, that only leaves me pissed off and feeling betrayed.  That's when i want those i feel left me that way, to hear that *CLICK* in their ear.  They will, and now I'm struggling to care!!!

*CLICK*
(just venting)

MoonJava

Just call me Moonjava.  My inner hippy exists.  Alive and well, i throw up my two fingers, nappy and all.  I stand in the midst of a war torn society shining bright as the SON.  Who dem say dey gon' take His reign? I don't know about you but as i trudge up this mountainside, my main quest is truth..in His Word.  I follow every soft wind that flows off my Master's Hand, as He waves the competition bye bye.  The Potter's Clay= all day.  I was spoken before made... with purpose in hand, He created the dopest cure to mundane- me. Salty as can be, I'm alive yaw.  As I live and breath, you stay in your corner when i run by, you feel the breeze.  Let it whip your hair.  Flower child indeed.  I look at him and say, "when you gon' learn, baby, that we can't lose...people got corns on their feet tryna fit in our shoes". Be you.  Tryna be me is lame... not to mention at no attempt will it ever be the same.  One in a million, best believe.  I take this minute to just appreciate the me He created me to be.  Every day i get one step closer to the altruistic realness of me, there is no otha.  I glide into a room with love on my lips, husband's hand on my hip...haters close by on my tip.  Ha! Oh how i love it.  Thinkin' on how you could top this shpill, don't bother...but the next time you see me, call me MoonJava. 

Peace & Love friends, foes and fools...

Emptying Myself- The Raw, Uncooked Version

I was awakened by God at 5:30 am to give this testimony.  Whomever you are, I hope you are blessed by this.

The enemy got me early.  My first memory of a strong emotion was at the age of 4.  I was so lonely.  I felt intense sadness because i had no one to play with.  I remember sitting on the porch with my etch-a-sketch board because my mom *needed* me out of the house for a minute.  I sat on the porch and had the feeling that i was in the middle of a desert, with no one there and no place to go.  At the age of 4!  That wouldn't be the last time this weird sense of loneliness would come over me.

Yeah, i was that girl.  The one who could be in a crowd of a million familiar faces and still feel solo.  My family, to this day, has no idea of who I really am.  You see, i've never felt like i belonged anywhere.  The youngest of 3 children to an alcoholic father (may he rest in peace) and stay-at-home mother.  I always tell my brother and sister, jokingly (but not really) that we all had different parents.  By the time i came around my parents were 30 years old and already exhausted by the things life had dealt them... they had no clue of what was just over the horizon.

In high school I stayed far enough above the radar that i was known, had friends and wasn't a recluse, but far enough under it that i wasn't popular and was pretty irrelevant.  I didn't do well in high school because that's when i began my search for men and comfort.  I found it.  When it was time for me to go to college, i put on my jets and began to run.  I didn't go to college because i wanted and education and to better myself.  I went to college to get the Hell out my parent's house and away from that devastating drama and trauma that was constantly around me.  A funny thing happened though...

When i went away i didn't really find the happiness i was looking for.  Instead i found listlessness and depression.  So much so that it became impossible for me to get out of bed most days.  It became nearly impossible for me to eat sometimes... and then it became evident that i would flunk out.  I did anything i could just to not have to go back home.  I signed up to be the move in crew to dramatically cut my home time in half during the summers.  Then I went to summer school to not have to go home at all during the summer. I worked the front desk during the summer and even some holidays.  I was desperate just to not-go-home.  

I would be on campus when literally everybody was away at home.  I went to 3 colleges just searching for something that i'm not sure I ever found.  On two of the campuses I have a vivid memory.  I remember walking around during one of those times when everybody else was at home and feeling that same feeling I felt at the age of 4.  Feeling like i was somehow on a deserted island.  No one there.  Wandering on dry land searching for a place to call home... just like that demon the apostle talked about in the scriptures.  

One day at one of those schools, I remember coming into my Gospel choir practice.  The instructor sat everybody down with a message to give to us.  He said, "God told me to tell somebody to just stop trying to fit in.  You can't fit in.  You keep trying to be like everybody else because you think it will give you some sort of happiness, but it won't and you can't.  He has set you a part for a reason that won't be apparent right away, but you'll see later on."  Every body's eyes searched the room, hungry to know who that message was for.  Choir practice let out and he came up to me and said 5 devastating words..."That message was for you"... i broke down. 

You see, i had been trying!  I was desperately trying to fit in and have friends but I just couldn't shake this awful feeling of singleness...alone...loneliness... so it was devastating for God to then send a message that i should give it up because it would never work out for me.  I just sunk deeper.  By this time one of my best friends from Middle School and I fell out in an terribly dramatic way.  She could have never known that i leaned on her.  That she and her cousin were the only reason i was on the campus to begin with... i went there thinking that i would finally have some people to lean on... as you can imagine God dissolved that notion pretty quickly.  So, as usual, i turned to men.

It would take a whole other blog just to discuss the relationships that I allowed myself to get into....just for the sake of not being alone.  But i was.  I couldn't have known then that God had been trying to get me by myself and to deal with me so that He could heal me.  He didn't want anyone else around me that could hurt me...but i just kept bringing people into my life.  I thought God hated me.  Surely He knew the family He dealt me... surely He knew that pain that would be dealt me... sure He knew that i couldn't deal.  Surely He knew that one day i would try to give up.  I tried. 

I had come home from a long string of failures and was right back in the place that i was so desperate to get away from.  The very pit of Hell.  Constant arguing.  Alcoholism. Strife. Bitterness. Anger. Demonic influence. Death. Witchcraft. Poverty of mind, heart, spirit and economic standing.  I cried out to God desperate to know why He had brought me back there.  I stopped eating.  I was too much of a punk to take a razor to my wrist.  Too much of a punk to blow my brains out.  Too much of a punk to hang myself or jump off of anything...so i tried to starve myself to death.  I researched and found that it doesn't really take long to do it... that it would be painful but it would be over in a matter of days.  I layed in my bed and didn't eat until i couldn't even urinate anymore.  Then something that had never happened before took place...

My mother came into my room.  She never came in there.  Mostly because I kept my door closed hoping to keep out the crap going on just on the other side of it.  She came in.  Sat on my bed...another first.  She begged me to eat and come out.  Her exact words, "Mikki, don't do this to me.  FIGHT!!  Please don't let me have to come in here and find you dead one day!  Don't DO THIS TO ME!!!"  I'm crying as i type this because now I'm a mommy.  I know how afraid she must have been.  It saved me.  Before then I didn't know she even saw my misery.  She was miserable herself!  So for her to acknowledge the fact that she saw me and cared...was my saving grace.

I have never been able to give my whole testimony.  It's too much.  I'll have to write a book one day.  I'm not sure why i was awakened to write this.  I know more will come soon.  I'm in this process of writing my story and emptying myself out.  Maybe I'll be able to understand myself and my journey better when it's all typed up.  I'll write more as He calls me to and stop where i need to.  This is not a detailed account nor is it the end.  There are a lot of inbetweens and durings and the likes, but this is what I felt led to type this morning. 

May you all read and be blessed by this in some way.  That is all for now...