I was awakened by God at 5:30 am to give this testimony. Whomever you are, I hope you are blessed by this.
The enemy got me early. My first memory of a strong emotion was at the age of 4. I was so lonely. I felt intense sadness because i had no one to play with. I remember sitting on the porch with my etch-a-sketch board because my mom *needed* me out of the house for a minute. I sat on the porch and had the feeling that i was in the middle of a desert, with no one there and no place to go. At the age of 4! That wouldn't be the last time this weird sense of loneliness would come over me.
Yeah, i was that girl. The one who could be in a crowd of a million familiar faces and still feel solo. My family, to this day, has no idea of who I really am. You see, i've never felt like i belonged anywhere. The youngest of 3 children to an alcoholic father (may he rest in peace) and stay-at-home mother. I always tell my brother and sister, jokingly (but not really) that we all had different parents. By the time i came around my parents were 30 years old and already exhausted by the things life had dealt them... they had no clue of what was just over the horizon.
In high school I stayed far enough above the radar that i was known, had friends and wasn't a recluse, but far enough under it that i wasn't popular and was pretty irrelevant. I didn't do well in high school because that's when i began my search for men and comfort. I found it. When it was time for me to go to college, i put on my jets and began to run. I didn't go to college because i wanted and education and to better myself. I went to college to get the Hell out my parent's house and away from that devastating drama and trauma that was constantly around me. A funny thing happened though...
When i went away i didn't really find the happiness i was looking for. Instead i found listlessness and depression. So much so that it became impossible for me to get out of bed most days. It became nearly impossible for me to eat sometimes... and then it became evident that i would flunk out. I did anything i could just to not have to go back home. I signed up to be the move in crew to dramatically cut my home time in half during the summers. Then I went to summer school to not have to go home at all during the summer. I worked the front desk during the summer and even some holidays. I was desperate just to not-go-home.
I would be on campus when literally everybody was away at home. I went to 3 colleges just searching for something that i'm not sure I ever found. On two of the campuses I have a vivid memory. I remember walking around during one of those times when everybody else was at home and feeling that same feeling I felt at the age of 4. Feeling like i was somehow on a deserted island. No one there. Wandering on dry land searching for a place to call home... just like that demon the apostle talked about in the scriptures.
One day at one of those schools, I remember coming into my Gospel choir practice. The instructor sat everybody down with a message to give to us. He said, "God told me to tell somebody to just stop trying to fit in. You can't fit in. You keep trying to be like everybody else because you think it will give you some sort of happiness, but it won't and you can't. He has set you a part for a reason that won't be apparent right away, but you'll see later on." Every body's eyes searched the room, hungry to know who that message was for. Choir practice let out and he came up to me and said 5 devastating words..."That message was for you"... i broke down.
You see, i had been trying! I was desperately trying to fit in and have friends but I just couldn't shake this awful feeling of singleness...alone...loneliness... so it was devastating for God to then send a message that i should give it up because it would never work out for me. I just sunk deeper. By this time one of my best friends from Middle School and I fell out in an terribly dramatic way. She could have never known that i leaned on her. That she and her cousin were the only reason i was on the campus to begin with... i went there thinking that i would finally have some people to lean on... as you can imagine God dissolved that notion pretty quickly. So, as usual, i turned to men.
It would take a whole other blog just to discuss the relationships that I allowed myself to get into....just for the sake of not being alone. But i was. I couldn't have known then that God had been trying to get me by myself and to deal with me so that He could heal me. He didn't want anyone else around me that could hurt me...but i just kept bringing people into my life. I thought God hated me. Surely He knew the family He dealt me... surely He knew that pain that would be dealt me... sure He knew that i couldn't deal. Surely He knew that one day i would try to give up. I tried.
I had come home from a long string of failures and was right back in the place that i was so desperate to get away from. The very pit of Hell. Constant arguing. Alcoholism. Strife. Bitterness. Anger. Demonic influence. Death. Witchcraft. Poverty of mind, heart, spirit and economic standing. I cried out to God desperate to know why He had brought me back there. I stopped eating. I was too much of a punk to take a razor to my wrist. Too much of a punk to blow my brains out. Too much of a punk to hang myself or jump off of anything...so i tried to starve myself to death. I researched and found that it doesn't really take long to do it... that it would be painful but it would be over in a matter of days. I layed in my bed and didn't eat until i couldn't even urinate anymore. Then something that had never happened before took place...
My mother came into my room. She never came in there. Mostly because I kept my door closed hoping to keep out the crap going on just on the other side of it. She came in. Sat on my bed...another first. She begged me to eat and come out. Her exact words, "Mikki, don't do this to me. FIGHT!! Please don't let me have to come in here and find you dead one day! Don't DO THIS TO ME!!!" I'm crying as i type this because now I'm a mommy. I know how afraid she must have been. It saved me. Before then I didn't know she even saw my misery. She was miserable herself! So for her to acknowledge the fact that she saw me and cared...was my saving grace.
I have never been able to give my whole testimony. It's too much. I'll have to write a book one day. I'm not sure why i was awakened to write this. I know more will come soon. I'm in this process of writing my story and emptying myself out. Maybe I'll be able to understand myself and my journey better when it's all typed up. I'll write more as He calls me to and stop where i need to. This is not a detailed account nor is it the end. There are a lot of inbetweens and durings and the likes, but this is what I felt led to type this morning.
May you all read and be blessed by this in some way. That is all for now...
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