The Sun in the Son= Venting!!!

It's sunny outstide. It's really beautiful. I find myself staring out my window wanting to go for a jog... yet I can't. I want to just go and sit in the park and let the warm air circle around my toes for hours at a time... can't do that either. I have to always be back at my home or near it every two hours. I either have to check my blood sugar, eat or give myself one of the 4 shots i'm supposed to give myself every single day. I feel like prisoner.. and I'm realizing that's the nature of the disease. I have never been more motivated to do a thing in all my life. I'm gonna kill the killer. Murder the murderer... I'm putting out a hit on the one responsible for so many 187's in my family. Diabetes. It only took one doctor to say, "It may very well have more to do with the pregnancy than anything, but type II diabetes is totally curable and reversible"... that's all he had to say. I know how I'm going to do and when I'm going to do it. It starts now.

This pregnancy has been both wonderful and horrible for me. I complain about it on a daily basis. I struggle to see the bright and fluffy side of pregnancy that some women see. It's truly a blessing for me, with all the drama and trauma it took for me to be pregnant at all... yet all day I dream about the moment when the pregnancy has come to the point of delivery. The sun is outside full force today... yet I'm seeking the Son inside today. It's funny, the Sun represents brillance and warmth and even better, endless possibilities. The Son on the other hand represents all that and a million more things like: Freedom, Wholeness, Healing, Joy... yeah... endless great possibilities. It explains how I can feel one when experiencing the other. I have more energy in my body when the Sun is out. And when the Son is "in" I feel warmth, brilliance and freedom within.

Pregnancy tends to change your whole personality. It narrows your vision, it's broadens your emotional response and it shrinks your personality as a whole... you've gone from being YOU with all that comes with you, to "you" and the baby and all that means for you. Where did I go? I'm putting and APB out on myself... i miss me. 4 more weeks and I'll hopefully be returning from wherever I've been.

I'm seeking the Sun in the Son today. Lord meet me in my place of need today... amen

The Lamentation Of His Phoenix...

Blind fury. Screaming at the top of my lungs the world was hazy. Hazy because of the tears blinding me. Confusion mixed with fear causing ignorance and an unguarded mouth. Ungaurded mouth leading to death spoken over myself and all that belongED to me. Will I lose it all because of what I've said? If I do it is well deserved. You say you love me, but I struggle in secret with that notion. I struggle with you loving me because you knew me before I was even born. You knew the pain that would be dealt me in this fallen world. You knew. You knew the heartache and heartbreak that would plague me and chip away at me like old paint on dilapidated wood. You knew. You knew the lonliness that i would feel standing in a room full of familiar strangers. You knew how lost i would be standing on my own street. You knew every attack of the enemy that YOU would allow. You told my enemy yes. You told him YES! The pain stings. A scorpion could have just stung me and there would be no difference. I know you Mr. & Mrs. Stranger. I know you feel angry and lost. I know you look back at all you've tried to accomplish and see fruitless things, seemingly in vain. I know you. We are twins. We came from the same womb. I seek you out for comfort but you're too broken to console. I hope, for no reason at all. There is still life in me somewhere in this valley. How? Must not be important to know. Yet I ask again... how? How do I continue to stand and move forward when all i want to do is stop and lie down, wait for death. Death is easy, life is the struggle. Blind fury. Waves of anger wash over me like labor pains. They begin, reach a climax and subside again. I wait for another and another. I wonder am I even dialated? Am I even close to delivering what the Lord placed in my womb? Who can even check the cervix of a Christian but God? I wait to hear from Him. Who ever heard of a 7 year long labor? I'm still waiting. It moves inside of me, it's taken everything to carry it for this long. Everything. I've carried it for so long I'm becoming resentful of it. Yeah, it's because of YOU i get beat down in the spiritual and physical daily. Here comes another contraction. Because of YOUR splendor and for HIS sake am I slaughtered like sheep in a field... all... day... long. Take the bitterness away Lord. I want to love you completely. Yet, I feel angry because of my beatings. I feel resentment everytime I'm slapped. I want to lash out everytime I go hungry. I want to leave everytime I'm punched. Tell my enemy NO Lord. Tell him NO! Bipolar love. Extreme highs and profound lows. Settle the storm that rages. Help me to understand the thunder and lightening. Help me to see the beauty in the breakdown. Help me. Help me to love you even a fraction of the way you love me. Give me back my passion and zeal Lord. Restore to me what the enemy has taken away. Strife leaves you empty inside and out. It sucks the life right out of everything. Yet, I ask Lord, don't remove this strife until you can promise it won't return to me. These things I've seen over and over and over again. Cyclical drama. The kind you can see coming because you've been there before and back again. Restore my soul Lord. Restore my heart Lord. Give me a heart of Flesh for my heart of Stone. Refresh my soul. Refresh in my mind your call. Prepare me for the spiritual birth and the physical one about to take place in my life. This is my Psalm. This is my lamentation Jesus. Restore me! My heart cries out in plain truth and riddles that I can't understand. Make intercession for me Lord. I'm here.. until you say so. A slave of the Most High is Royalty to the World. I'm a slave of you, and even if I left or even attempted to, my heart would long to be back in your captivity. I'm a glutten for you God. You satisfy me and deprive me all at the same time. I feel tortured without you. Yet I feel strained with you. Help my understanding. Give me strength. I cry out IN PUBLIC. UNashamed of my captivity. UNashamed of my walk which is a painful one. UNashamed to be lost in familiar surroundings. UNashamed to want and need you. Make me your Phoenix Lord. Raise me again out of the ashes of pain, confusion, frustration, anguish and destruction of every kind. Raise me again Lord. Make me your Phoenix Father!! My final request Father... I ask with an earnest and impoverished heart....Give me Beauty for my Ashes.

Amen.

Today...

"Please oh please, wear blue and green, so flowers can bloom and birds can sing... todaaaaaayyy"- Erykah Badu

That's what i'm feelin' like today... i need to have music blaring in my ear... something upbeat... hmmm... and maybe some of that neo-soul.  I'm feeling really laid back.  Really proud of my progress as far as the new "way of life" is concerned.  I've dropped some serious pounds in like a nano-second!  In a minute i'm gonna be acting extremely brand new pretending i don't know certain people.  Sounds good. LOL! 


We're moving into a new, much bigger place.  I'm really excited!  Not because this place is immaculate... but because i'll be closer to my family and i'll always have a house full of teens and lil ones.  I love even just the thought of it.  It keeps me holding on.  God gave me a word back in June that came out of Haggai.  It prophesied that on September 24, 2009, nothing would be the same because He's going to bless everything thing we do from then on out.  That was a huge Word.  I'm standing on it so hard that i'm hoping it doesn't give under my weight. LOL!  Impossible!  God's word is stronger than heaviest person or situation in the world and beyond!! 


I'm going to humbly stay in prayer that this word comes to fruition because it has, afterall, been the longest period of famine i've ever been through.  I've been struggling intensely financially, physically, emotionally and spiritually for almost 7 years....i need this to be over. 

Haggai 2:17-23 



I struck you and all the products of your toil with blight and with mildew and with hail yet you did not turn to me, declares the LORD. 18 Consider from this day onward from the twenty-fourth day of the ninth month. Since the day that the foundation of the LORD’s temple was laid, consider: 19 Is the seed yet in the barn? Indeed, the vine, the fig tree, the pomegranate, and the olive tree have yielded nothing. But from this day on I will bless you."



20 The word of the LORD came a second time to Haggai  on the twenty-fourth day of the month, 21"Speak to  Zerubbabel, governor of Judah, saying,  I am about to shake the heavens and the earth, 22and  to overthrow the throne of kingdoms. I am about to destroy the strength of the kingdoms of the nations, and  overthrow the chariots and their riders. And the horses and their riders shall go down,  every one by the sword of his brother. 23On that day, declares the LORD of hosts, I will take you, O  Zerubbabel  my servant, the son of  Shealtiel, declares the LORD, and make you  like a  signet ring, for I have chosen you, declares the LORD of hosts."

iJerk= For real!

Today, started off with a bang.  And not a good one.  I told my husband that if he didn't start complimenting me more and validating me that i would start really liking it when other men did.  He was none too happy, to say the least.  I was pissed OFF.  Here I am, just bought a new shirt that i thought he would enjoy.  I twisted my hair up extra nice so that he would think it was really cute... and theeeeennnnn...=nothing=!  I felt really bad.  Like i was invisible.  When i brought it up to him, i had to choke back my tears i was so upset.  He tried to say that he told me i looked nice in the kitchen this morning... but i didn't hear it.  Yeah right!!!  I told him that women really do look to their husbands to make them feel pretty and that we really just want to be adored.  ((maybe didn't say it in that tone or words))  But that was the gist.  He was so pissed that he basically said that i was just insecure; i'm sure he said it just to hurt my feelings.... but was he right? 

I do think i have some insecurities, i mean who doesn't... but i never thought that wanting my husband to tell me i'm "pretty" meant that i was insecure.  Maybe i am.  LOL... sounds pathetic when i read it in typed print.  Why do i need his validation at all?  Why does it matter what he thinks at all???  I hate being that dependent on someone... even my husband.  I need to sort this out in my brain... because on the one hand... i really don't think there's anything wrong with looking to your husband to compliment you... but then again... it just sounds really pathetic.  Women, most of the time unknowingly, seek the attention and approval of men.  We even judge ourselves according to how many men compliment us now apposed to when we were younger and "thinner".  We may not vocalize it, AT ALL, but we do notice when the compliments come fewer and far between.  It makes us sad.  And that's just with strangers!!!


Imagine how i must feel when my husband, the man i sleep with everyday, doesn't even notice me anymore?!?!  I'm not saying ever.. but on those days when i feel extra cute... it would feel so much better if my husband thought so too.  I'm being really transparent right now.  I usually never talk about my marital issues on here, but today this had to come out.  What I said to him i meant.  He's my "homecourt", and if I'm not receiving the attention I need in my "homecourt", i may start enjoying the "external" attention a lil too much!  Yes, i was mad when I said it but it's true.  I don't want to be validated by some random perv on the street... but if this is one of my needs that i have so clearly expressed, then it will be fulfilled in one way or another.  I sound like a straight jerk... but at least i'm an honest jerk!

Commune with God today...

Good morning all...

Today i'm just in this place where i wanna express just how much i need God. I need Him so much! Just lifting my head is a chore. I have no strength in my bones right now... but i'm so thankful for His Word that says, "My strength is made perfect in your weakness".... i cling to that word on today. Yesterday is in a furnace... yes, but now i'm trying to get today out of the ditch! I need a fresh anointing to rain down on me from Heaven. For the very strength, joy and peace of God to be upon me. The lord says that if i don't try to lean on my own feeble understanding, then the peace that goes beyond anything I can understand will fall upon me. I pray for that today. Confident assurance in Christ and Christ alone.

I can do all things through Christ that gives me strength. Anything?? Anything!! I'm going to really meditate on the fact that if i can believe... NOTHING is impossible to me. NOTHING AT ALL!! I pray that the Holy Spririt within me will assist me in believing and believing without doubt. Help me Heavenly Father to believe.

Amen

Wake up call at 3:30pm .....

On Saturday, August 29th at 3:30 pm my wake up call came in. Hard. I'm at Chipotle's with one of my good friends and I was a lil jittery and so i'm like yeah... let me eat something. I eat. Feel a lil better for about 15 minutes. Then {{{ALARM, ALARM}}}!!!! My body just became completely weak... dizzy... nauseous... disoriented... and I just began to say... "take me to the hospital, take me to the hospital"..... get to the hospital, i'm freakin' out completely... they check my blood sugar and discover that it's a WHOPPING 233! 83 points above what it should be!

They check me into the hospital and begin their barrage of tests to figure out what's going on. I'm so afraid at this point that i'll end up like my father, his mother, my mother's father, my mother's mother and so many others that have suffered from the horrible horrible diabetes DEMON!! I begin to pray that God will give me another chance... a chance to fix this. I heard Him when He told me over a year ago that i needed to change my diet "or else"... why didn't I listen?!?!?! "Lord, please just give me another chance to change my diet so that i can change my circumstances"... "please"... "Hear my prayer Lord"... He heard me.

The doctor comes in on the second day and says, " I have good news and terrible news... which one do you want first"? My butt instantly begins to cringe... "Terrible news first, please"? He clears his throat, "We think it's type II diabetes and Diabetes itself is a horrible disease... it can be life threatening... it can totally ruin your life and even your chances for a good life"... I sink. I beg him for good news, "Well damn... what's the good news then"?... okay not so much begging but a lil ornery at this point. He begins, "Type II Diabetes is benign and is totally reversible if you completely change your eating habits and work out on a SUPER regular basis".... like i said... He heard me.

They totally could've come in and said, "YOU HAVE 5 MINUTES TO LIVE........ACTUALLY NOW YOU HAVE 4 minutes and 59 seconds... hahahahahHAHA!!!" ... but no... they didn't. They told my life is totally in my own hands at this point. Which really is kinda worse if you think about it. I suck and consistency. But now i HAVE to be consistent or I'll kill myself!??!! What kinda CRAP is that?!?!?! Be perfect in your decision making or you'll DIE!!?!?!?! Okay so maybe that's a lil dramatic but I don't know how well this is going to end for me. Everybody thinks that i don't have kids because we haven't had much luck... nah... it's because GOD FORBID ANYBODY'S LIFE BE IN MY HANDS... even my own!!!

Needless to say... this is the worse wake up call of my entire life. Now, i can't go back to sleep. Ever.

Spiritual Puke!

So today was the day that i let go a few lingering issues. Today was the day that i took control over a few things that were clogging up the pores to my spirit. I've been tight lipped about these things and didn't want to tell God how I really felt about them. I even TRIED to tell Him how I was feeling. It didn't work. I just felt this resistance... like SHHHHHHHHHHH... don't say nothing!! Today I couldn't take it anymore!!! I stuck my finger deep down into my throat and PUKED IT ALL OUT!!! All the stuff i've been wanting to ask for... all the feelings that I've been holding on to ... came flyin' outta my mouth in huge spiritual chunks! I saw somethings come out that for the life of me, i could figure out what i digested that would make THAT color of puke!

I feel a lil better i gotta say... but i think there will be more coming out tonight. That's right... it ain't over by a long shot. Just a minute ago i felt some rumbling in my spirit that let me know that there's more! So... i'm gonna take a deep breath and let the fat, spiritual baby chunks flow. While I know that you love my analogies of venting to God and PUKE... i just want you to know that it's all for you :-) lolololol...

No, but the reason I'm blogging this is because I want everybody (anybody who may read this) to know that there comes a time when all the things in life that we get poisoned with, and even the things we poison ourselves with, have to come out... one way or the other. However it comes out... get a fat bucket and puke it out before the Lord Almighty in Jesus Name!!! lololol

{{OmMppFF}} I think another round is underway... GOTTA GO!! Hope to see you there ;-)

FINGER.WAVES.

Yeah so.. yesterday I was walking downtown and saw somebody with Finger Waves and was sincerely perplexed! Like... what??!?!?! Waves are back?? I'm gonna need the name and number of the person that authorized this comeback!! What makes it so bad... they weren't fresh at all! They were like crusty... and if anybody was like me back in the day... then you know that old brown gel STANKS! I thought i even saw somebody with a box the other day... i just don't know what's going on here! I'm trying to stay "in" as best i can but the older you get the less you know about today's fashions... that is unless you have access to teenagers who you can completely harrass on a weekly basis as the fads shift and change like the wind.

I'm in this tug of war with my age and how young i feel. I feel so old sometimes but I know that i'm young! So what should I put on my back right now??? LOL! Victoria Secrets Pink line are OUT for me simply because my boobs have decided for me that it ain't goin' down. period. I LOVE TORRIDS!!! However, Torrid money is non existent. period. SO= any ideas... what should 28/29 years old be wearing?? Keep in mind that i'm a SAVED 28/29 so don't come @ me with some stuff that has the majority of my Double D's hangin' out on the ground... lolololoL!

First post of 2009=All.At.Once.

I guess it's been a while huh? lol... I haven't committed to this website and I should because it gives me great peace to just come on here sometimes and just vent you know?? Well I'm going to give you something a lil different. I'm going to start a prayer journal instead of just a blog... i'm going to be really transparent with you all on here because I believe even if you don't say anything, it's possible that my struggles will help some of you cope with things... maybe even inspire you to want more from God and not be afraid to ask for it =)

2009 so far=

This year has been an eye-opener. Some of it very painful but some of it extremely liberating... When we don't live our lives to please God He will sometimes blind us of our mess... that is until He's ready to reveal to you the carnage you've left behind. Well 2009 began with a violent tearing away of the scales that were blinding my view of myself. It was painful and so far has led to a lot of nights on my face crying out to God to make me better. However, it made me free. Free of living in ignorance of myself and the things that I do. I'm thankful for that. Things that I thought i'd gotten over, my ways, my mouth and most of all my total lack of understanding where my purpose is concerned= it has been a huge awakening for me. I'm a 28 year old woman who has lived through horrible things that i mostly brought on myself and now i just want it all to stop. My faith in Christ should have given me peace through the storm and stability in waivering times but... i realized this year that although i believe that He is God... i didn't believe a WORD He said. Yeah... a WORD. I realized that i really don't stand on anything when faced with tribulation. I allowed the emotional aspect of it all sweep me in to overhaul and just dealt with it... without a fight.

Well i woke up... now i'm out of agreement with all those things that tried to hurt me and trick me into believing in them. I'm done.. and i'm ready to take a stand... on God's Word that is.

Here are the things that I strongly desire in 2009:

Peace
Love
Joy
Real Relationship with God
What is Good
What is Happy
What is Sweet
What Flows
Clarity
Direction
Fearlessness
Boldness
Concentration
Integrity
Wealth
Health
Abundance of Life
Children.

I want them NOW! I'm not afraid to ask for them anymore... all. at. once.<

Cows & Bees vs Milk & Honey

Good afternoon all,

God gave me a word this morning and is asking me to be obedient in passing it along. I used to do this on a regular basis but a word came to me recently saying that I was about to go through a period of learning. Any of you who serve God knows that there is a season to eat and a season to serve, but it's rare that you can do both well at the same time. This word is the first complete word that God has given me to minister to others in a while... It's long, but it's a true "soul banter"... I pray that the word God gave me will bless richly bless you all!

Cows & Bees vs Milk & Honey

Exodus 3:7-10

7 The LORD said, "I have indeed seen the misery of my people in Egypt. I have heard them crying out because of their slave drivers, and I am concerned about their suffering. 8 So I have come down to rescue them from the hand of the Egyptians and to bring them up out of that land into a good and spacious land, a land flowing with milk and honey—the home of the Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites. 9 And now the cry of the Israelites has reached me, and I have seen the way the Egyptians are oppressing them. 10 So now, go. I am sending you to Pharaoh to bring my people the Israelites out of Egypt."

Jericho. I liken Jericho unto anything I pray to God in earnest for. The thing that could make tears of joy and longing drop from my eyes anytime I think about it. The first Jericho I ever really wanted was Vaughan. I didn't even know it was Vaughan, but because I had totally surrendered my desires to God, He gave me the good thing He promised to never withhold from me. I wrote down everything I wanted in my husband on cardboard and walked around it in a church parking lot for 7 days, just like the Israelites did when they were about to overtake the city of Jericho! That next December is when Vaughan walked back into my life after almost 10 years. My Jericho had arrived!!!! The question that remained was, could God trust me to recognize it?

The Israelites had every sign, wonder and miracle right before their eyes and yet they did not believe. They complained and whined and found every excuse to be miserable and disobey God when all they had to do was believe. How many of us, right now, are conquering our City of Jericho, overflowing with milk and honey... and all we can see are too many cows and too many bees?! How many of us are standing in our wealthy place and are still swatting at the bees? The very bees that create our honey!! We don't respect the job that God gave us, we don't love the people that God put in our lives, we disrespect God by speaking a hateful word against His anointed- spreading rumors= bearing false witness against each other... angry and can't see God's overwhelming blessings in our lives. Mad at the cows because there are too many and you're constantly stepping in cow pies! Don't you realize that those cow pies are fertilizing your ground?!?! Don't you realize the more grass that grows, the more the cows will eat and ultimately will be able to produce MORE milk and MORE cows?!?!

We act as wicked, non believing Israelites most times don't we? In Exodus it talks about how the cries of His people were so loud that they reached the gates of Heaven and God began to put a rescue bail out and total deliverance plan in place! Yet, when this plan was put into action... these people, the same people who had cried out for deliverance, were acting like they didn't have ANY sense! They would have preferred to remain in captivity because they were too afraid to believe. Then they looked at Moses thinking, who does he think he is??? Is this you? Has God sent you a messenger or rescue boat, but because it didn't have on Prada, wasn't an eloquent speaker, or because you thought they were too young you passed it by? Moses, the man who stuttered, had committed murder and who had put himself into exile was CHOSEN by God to lead His people to freedom. Who is wise enough to judge? Who can call unclean what God has called clean?? Certainly not us.

Our precious Father who has said that He is "married to the backslider"(HOSEA 4:14-20) has pledged to love us and still care for us, though we fight Him the whole way to freedom. Though we prostitute ourselves to money, men/women, clothes and riches making things our Idol. Though we would prefer to remain in captivity because we are too afraid to believe God for something better= Though we commit adultery against our marriage to God, He has still prepared good things for us. If only we could believe it. If only we could Obey Him. If only we could trust Him. If only... So here you are... sitting in your Jericho, a place that God gave you, to rescue you and give you the desires of your heart. This place where milk & honey flow freely = and all you can talk about are the cows & the bees.

Check yourselves brothers and sisters. Last week was a firestorm of me complaining about the Cows & Bees at work and in my life. Yet these are the same blessings that when my husband transitioned from one job to the other and when we needed just a few more dollars to pay the bills, I had the money to do it! I sat here mad at a heifer who I KNEW was put in my Jericho to fertilize my soil = to help me be so strong that nothing would deter me from being able to build wealth. Swatting at bees being too blind to see that yeah, these may sting, but they also produce the honey & nectar I need in my wealthy place. Pay attention to what God is doing in your life family. I now walk in my wealthy place, about to bring forth in just 2 short months the very thing God spoke in my life before the foundation of the earth was lain. But I could have missed it.

As you know, there were some in the Israelite camp that didn't make it. Some were killed and, to be honest, not matter how they died- one thing surely stood out = Disobedience! Moses, the very man who led the people to freedom in the first place, didn't make it into the wealthy place God promised him because he was disobedient. Some of you know and can recognize that God has spoken mighty things in your life and some of you even know what they are... yet you are in danger of being taken out of the game before you walk into your wealthy place. We struggle with trusting and being obedient to God... and we allow our own evil desires drag us away from Him. We allow our lust for life, our lust for people, and even our lust for the approval of others stand in the way of the thing that we KNOW God called us to do!! What some people have called a mistake, we call proof. God took my husband and I 900 miles away from our comfort zone just to show us the "truth" of who He is in our lives. He proved to us that He had called us to do a particular thing and if we had listened to the fears of our loved ones, (who were only concerned) we would have never gotten here = staring our wealthy place in the face we invite others to do the same.

What do you see? Do you see Milk & Honey or Do you see Cows & Bees? Did you see how unfortunate it has been for Vaughan and I to be on the bus all this time? Or did you see the countless people we got the chance to witness to along the way? Did you see how we've struggled financially over the years? Or did you see how incredibly unbreakable our marriage has become because of it; how well we can balance the books now = which is all about to come in handy? Did you see it? I'm just now seeing it-- I'm going from Cows & Bees to seeing Milk & Honey... will you? Will you see that the wonders and blessings of God don't always come in pretty bows with sweet smells of roses... even though they are? He is a sweet smelling savior who is perfect in all His ways, no matter what they are!

I feel the Holy Spirit asking me to stop there. Asking you all to think about what you have placed ahead of God. Please know that God has promised you good things and not disaster for your life (Jeremiah 29:11) But you could be in danger of never receiving those things because of your disobedience and total disregard for the Most High God. I pray that you, brothers and sisters, will please begin to examine your hearts - ask God to come in and cleanse you so that you will have a mind to serve and obey the commands of our Lord & Savior.

With many blessings & Love I pray...

Amen