Blind fury. Screaming at the top of my lungs the world was hazy. Hazy because of the tears blinding me. Confusion mixed with fear causing ignorance and an unguarded mouth. Ungaurded mouth leading to death spoken over myself and all that belongED to me. Will I lose it all because of what I've said? If I do it is well deserved. You say you love me, but I struggle in secret with that notion. I struggle with you loving me because you knew me before I was even born. You knew the pain that would be dealt me in this fallen world. You knew. You knew the heartache and heartbreak that would plague me and chip away at me like old paint on dilapidated wood. You knew. You knew the lonliness that i would feel standing in a room full of familiar strangers. You knew how lost i would be standing on my own street. You knew every attack of the enemy that YOU would allow. You told my enemy yes. You told him YES! The pain stings. A scorpion could have just stung me and there would be no difference. I know you Mr. & Mrs. Stranger. I know you feel angry and lost. I know you look back at all you've tried to accomplish and see fruitless things, seemingly in vain. I know you. We are twins. We came from the same womb. I seek you out for comfort but you're too broken to console. I hope, for no reason at all. There is still life in me somewhere in this valley. How? Must not be important to know. Yet I ask again... how? How do I continue to stand and move forward when all i want to do is stop and lie down, wait for death. Death is easy, life is the struggle. Blind fury. Waves of anger wash over me like labor pains. They begin, reach a climax and subside again. I wait for another and another. I wonder am I even dialated? Am I even close to delivering what the Lord placed in my womb? Who can even check the cervix of a Christian but God? I wait to hear from Him. Who ever heard of a 7 year long labor? I'm still waiting. It moves inside of me, it's taken everything to carry it for this long. Everything. I've carried it for so long I'm becoming resentful of it. Yeah, it's because of YOU i get beat down in the spiritual and physical daily. Here comes another contraction. Because of YOUR splendor and for HIS sake am I slaughtered like sheep in a field... all... day... long. Take the bitterness away Lord. I want to love you completely. Yet, I feel angry because of my beatings. I feel resentment everytime I'm slapped. I want to lash out everytime I go hungry. I want to leave everytime I'm punched. Tell my enemy NO Lord. Tell him NO! Bipolar love. Extreme highs and profound lows. Settle the storm that rages. Help me to understand the thunder and lightening. Help me to see the beauty in the breakdown. Help me. Help me to love you even a fraction of the way you love me. Give me back my passion and zeal Lord. Restore to me what the enemy has taken away. Strife leaves you empty inside and out. It sucks the life right out of everything. Yet, I ask Lord, don't remove this strife until you can promise it won't return to me. These things I've seen over and over and over again. Cyclical drama. The kind you can see coming because you've been there before and back again. Restore my soul Lord. Restore my heart Lord. Give me a heart of Flesh for my heart of Stone. Refresh my soul. Refresh in my mind your call. Prepare me for the spiritual birth and the physical one about to take place in my life. This is my Psalm. This is my lamentation Jesus. Restore me! My heart cries out in plain truth and riddles that I can't understand. Make intercession for me Lord. I'm here.. until you say so. A slave of the Most High is Royalty to the World. I'm a slave of you, and even if I left or even attempted to, my heart would long to be back in your captivity. I'm a glutten for you God. You satisfy me and deprive me all at the same time. I feel tortured without you. Yet I feel strained with you. Help my understanding. Give me strength. I cry out IN PUBLIC. UNashamed of my captivity. UNashamed of my walk which is a painful one. UNashamed to be lost in familiar surroundings. UNashamed to want and need you. Make me your Phoenix Lord. Raise me again out of the ashes of pain, confusion, frustration, anguish and destruction of every kind. Raise me again Lord. Make me your Phoenix Father!! My final request Father... I ask with an earnest and impoverished heart....Give me Beauty for my Ashes.
Amen.
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