I'm in love...

Before I start, i would like to say that, for me, this blog is a way to vent and also to work out my salvation with fear and trembling. [Philippians 2:12] ... that means, some days it will be happy... but for real... most days it will be calling out and questioning my thought processes to bring every thought into captivity. [2 Cor. 5:5]

I'm in love=

With a man who's heart is so pure that sometimes i really DO have the feeling that i don't deserve him. I'm sure if he was asked, he'd say the same about me- but it just isn't true. He quit his job a couple of months ago because they were, quite literally, trying to kill him...lol.. so, right now we're just doing what we have to until something comes through. In the meantime, my husband wakes me up in the morning, makes my breakfast- gets me out the door- when i come home, the house is spot less, dinner is cooking- timed perfectly for my arrival home, my towel and lotion are on the bed waiting for me to come out of the shower, he puts lotion on my back when i get out of the shower- we eat dinner, he takes my plate and puts it in the sink, gets what's left of dinner and puts it up, careful to immediately start making my lunch for the next day- we sit, watch a lil t.v. - maybe read the Word and pray- we go to sleep and it's starts all over again.

I feel tears welling up in my eyes right now. I can't believe that God gave me this man to be my husband. I don't deserve his love and unbelievable care. I feel so blessed to have him that i almost feel guilty BECAUSE i have him. How could someone other than God love me so much... i was told by my father, God rest his soul, that i would never be married- that no man would ever love me. I believed it. I'm sad that i believed it, because sometimes i still feel like my marriage shouldn't be this wonderful. That somehow i deserve to be unhappy and alone. I need for God to take this away from me.

Very early in our marriage, i tried to push him away from me because i believed what my father said. We often create what we fear. I did. I made our marriage hell because i thought that divorce was inevitable anyway. That something was wrong with me and when my husband found out, he would just leave. So i tried to speed up the process by being UNbearable and UNlovable. Until one day my husband looked at me and said, "take your time, go ahead and get it all out of your system, because i'm not going anywhere. And when you're ready, i'll still be here". It seemed likeI cried until my eyes stopped producing tears. I surrendored. I accepted his love and began to really deal with myself.

In return, i got a marriage that is so loving and wonderful. SO much so that other couples ask US questions on how to get where we are. Even though we're still very young and young in our marriage. On today, i feel those feeling creeping up again. Those feelings that whisper to me saying ::: you don't deserve him, you don't treat him well enough ::: Although, now i know that this isn't true- i wonder what sparked them? I have a wonderful husband, one who wouldn't flinch to die for me... but even better, hasn't hesitated to live for me either! We've been through so much and still have much more to conquer together- yet it seems that we're only just getting to know one another. I know God hears me when i pray to Him... i'm forever searching for answers to questions i've asked a million times already. I know that becoming "whole" is the journey. Becoming still and not being swayed by every wind that blows is the journey. I just pray to appreciate that... because i'm ready for that type of stability now.

Yet, i'm in love. That's the path i'm on right now... walking hand in hand with a man that loves me from head to toe. Who can make me smile with just a twitch of his eye brow. Whom I will constantly be trying to serve for as long as I live= renewing my mind and state of mind as not to jeopardize the peace that we've found. I pray that we ALL figure out that we are worth MUCH... not because of who we are... but because of WHOM we belong to. {Christ} He taught my husband how to love me.

Ephesians 5:25 For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her 26 to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word.
27 He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. 28 In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. 29 No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church.

Signing Out ::: And I'm so thankful :::