So i continue....

Sitting at my drawing board drawing blanks.  Revisiting the Ghosts of Passions Past... realizing that you can't make anyone feel what you feel for it.  You have to find your own worth in a thing.  So, because it's my passion, i will make passionate love to it.  Being fruitful and multiplying it upon the earth.  Purposely putting on blinders to block out distractions, mowing them down when they get in direct view.  Asking God to assist me in correct battles, leaving behind those that aren't mine.  It's hard to know when knowledge is blocked from you.  Lord reveal the truth... the battlefield of the mind is a dangerous place to fight.  Sometimes i feel crazy because of the things i have to think in order to just maintain. Remain the same, never. Quite clever.. allowing you to see only what i want you to.  It's healthy to create distance, like, "I fly above all my haters"..i fly above, only in Love with the Most High, the High I feel when we're together makes me want more..................................... so i continue.  I will never quit.  I know that there is Territory out there for me that is mine and only mine.  Even if i have to go through many drafts of it in order to perfect it, just call this draft 333.... perfect number if you ask me.  It signifies a relentless nature in me, a desire to get it right no matter how many nights i spend on my face.  Hearing false voices and trusting it only leads to me perfecting the One True voice of God.  So i continue....on and on until the dawn no longer breaks..... i wonder how much longer it'll take...|||

Emptying Myself Out- Random, yet Current Truths...

I struggle with realizing that i suck too.  I struggle with the fact that the things i get mad at others about, are the same things i get mad at myself about.  In a perfect world, everybody would do the right things, say the right things, believe the right things and just do right by each other.  No perfect world.  So here it goes...

Sometimes i feel empty, but only because i don't fill myself up with the right things.  I usually notice when i'm leaning and believing in man way too much because that's when i'm most frustrated.  It's hard to have close relationships when you know you'll get hurt or disappointed........ a lot.  Pastor gave a quote on Sunday that says that Love believes and hopes all things.  I agree, in a perfect world.... but as i stated earlier.....................Not in a perfect world...so here it goes.....

There is a something that tries to emerge in my mind a lot.  The only way to describe it is Nostalgia.  It's like my mind is trying to remember something that my Spirit won't allow it to.  Whenever it pops up in my mind, the thought gets shut down before i can recognize exactly what it is.  It's loaded with sentimental feelings and happiness.  There's a self-satisfaction associated with it and whenever it's about to become really familiar...... it gets shut down by something inside.  I'm beginning to try and go there more and more because now i want to know what it is!  I don't have very many happy memories....so that's why i'm trying to hold on to this thing.

Sometimes i wonder if i will always go through this one particular thing.  It's cyclical and whenever i see it coming, i honestly don't know how to stop it!  It's like a freight train.  I know God is stronger and I'm still hoping for deliverance.

Why does it seem like everybody around me has some ridiculous hormonal imbalance?!  I mean... yaw are making ME crazy!!!!!!!  I would love to just smack all of you!  You irritate me!  And considering that i lack patience you should really just shut up around me! lolololol... *sigh*... i actually feel better now :-]  Maybe i need to get my hormones checked..smh!

I've always thought that meditation was whack!  I thought it was just a bunch of crazies sitting Indian Style on the floor moaning.  You know what though... give me some candles or incense with my favorite music, on some soft pillows thinking about really good things, visualizing the life i want is all it takes to help me smile.  I'm rethinking this meditation thing....

He told me, flat out, "If you keep your mind stayed on Me, I'll keep you in perfect peace".... why didn't i listen??  Why is it so hard to do the simple things that God asks us to do?  Makes me feel stupid... i mean that's a PROMISE!!! I could take Him up on that and He would PROVE that He CAN'T lie!! 

Michelle... get it together CHICK!!!

*Click*

Do you remember when you were younger and that one chick you hated, or that dude you were beefin' with would get phone calls all day from you just so you could hang up on them when they answered???  I mean, even the Mama could get a *CLICK* if she picked up when you called.  Dude, like what was that about?! 

Just some passive aggressive way of getting back at somebody that you're pissed at.  Those days are not only dead, but they're no longer recognizable to me.  However................I have recently gotten some phone calls from some people that instead of me calling them and hanging up, i would've enjoyed just hanging up on them while already ON the phone with them... i mean just a good old fashion *CLICK*!!!!!!

I'm coming to grips with the fact that i have some seriously superficial relationships in my life.  It's weird because, while not every relationship has the same depths as the other, these relationships i thought were... deep.  So just like the Sleep Number Bed, i'm recalibrating some thought processes.  You see, i'm more than positive that right now, somebody is on the phone gossiping about me to somebody else about something that i just said.  <<<<-----That right there.... lets me know that I've let some in wayyy too close.  I'm dealing with it.  Now i must pull it back.  You can't just come out of the door giving it all to everyone.  My husband has been dealing with me on this for years.  He's totally closed to people and i'm totally open...we're both learning to give and take in the proper areas. More specifically I'm learning to give me to only a few that have a track record of trustworthy...not just to those i'm hoping to trust one day.

I'm positive of several things:

• My issues have more to do with trust than anything else
• There are some that make it difficult for me to trust them because they talk too much
• My trust should be with God and not man

That list makes sense to me, but it's contradictory to some.  And that's okay, because it only needs to make sense to me.  I'm just realizing that I'm too quick to trust and i'm too quick to *CLICK* on someone.  I believe the BEST in everyone and that's how i get hurt so quickly and so profoundly.  I give my all and expect the same in return- that's not wisdom.  I pour myself out to those around me, i fiercely protect those i love.  Then there i stand, naked & unprotected.  Well, that only leaves me pissed off and feeling betrayed.  That's when i want those i feel left me that way, to hear that *CLICK* in their ear.  They will, and now I'm struggling to care!!!

*CLICK*
(just venting)