New Life

This past year has been major. I feel a need to blog about it so that I never forget what i feel during this time. Yet i struggle to find adequate words to describe it all. I've had my first successful pregnancy and delivery after 3 previous tries... that alone is major. At the same time I feel like there are things happening around me that are so far out of my realm of control that it makes me uncomfortable. There are people around me that are so angry, bitter and drama-filled that i just want to run away from them. People who have absolutely no ability to go with the flow of life and consequently create an atmosphere of tension wherever they go. I can't run away from it... and i find myself always caught in the crossfire of it all trying to remain positive and prayerful. I have no space for it.. but I have no where else to go.

This has caused me to resuscitate my prayer life in a major way. It's the ONLY way and the ONLY chance I have at surviving the tension and drama that surrounds me. And oh yeah by the way, this is all while my body is still undergoing outrageous changes that include, but are NOT limited to: Healing from the birth of my son, healing stitches, vacating hormones, A TERRORIZING NEW BORN (whom i love with my everything and wouldn't trade for the last morsel of food on earth), sleep deprivation, food deprivation and other random what nots. I can't imagine my fingers being bent back any further than they already are- although i somehow know that they'll bend but not break. [Thank You Father]

Today marks week 3 for my beautiful baby boy... and it was gracefully marked by and humongous upswing in his crying and feeding. It was so startling that I had to google what the heck might have been going on= Google is my friend. It would seem that babies have a growth spurt around the 3 week mark and begin being baby terrorists as a profession. Mommies of course become the Martyrs because nobody else will sign up for the suicide mission. During this time I find myself both horribly fatigued on every front, but still happy, excited and feeling strangely productive. Mind you I barely leave the house these days or rarely go outside a 10 ft radius at any given time. I feel both like i'm making progress in getting to know my baby boy but still feel like I'm not nearly as close to where I need to be as i should. Strange dynamic to be feeling, but i'm sure this is the yin & yang that all brand spankin' NEW mommies feel.

I feel like I need help but don't know the right questions to ask. Hence why my prayer life has become a whole heck of a lot more sincere and colorful. I have another 3 weeks before I'll be cleared for any time of extra curricular activities like exercising or sex. Which will both be weird for me. I keep hearing these horror stories about how your boobs become human super soakers during sex. Yay right!?! As if it won't be awkward enough your first time out of the gate in a grip; yeah, lets add projectile boob juice!! That'll be a swell time! *SIGH*

The number one thing that is amazing to me at this place in time is: I never know how i get from one minute to the next in my right mind. How is it possible? I mean, with the level of assistance I need and am NOT getting, you'd think i'd be crazy by now. It really reinforces my belief that we women are just made for this. Now I just have the issue of getting my husband in a place where he understands his place. He seems lost and a bit disoriented... and it frustrates he and i. I want him to just jump in and find his place in this parenting thing instead of standing mostly on the sidelines watching me wrestle a rabid pig to the ground! I know he wants to and maybe i'm not showing him an entrance... there i go again putting it all on me... it's on him to figure this out... i'll leave that be. We women have a tendency to be "self-starters"... not needing very much direction on when and how to get started.. and if we do, we just look it up... again... i prefer Google :-)

I'm thankful for a few minutes when my "baby terrorist" is sleeping, plotting his next terror attack no doubt.... but until then I can put down my thoughts in a way that's both cathartic and educational for "future" Michelle, who will look back on these things and remember what it was like when I first entered my New Life. My other life passed away and was buried at 6:47 am June 16, 2010. Welcome "New Life"... i can't wait to ride you till your wheels fall off. Hmmm...I wonder what Google has to say about that...