Soul Banter

My heart sinks. I want to open up and share, but there's no opening. I'm at a loss, knowing what's right but disagreeing with it. Tomorrow has to be different. I try to peek into the future in an attempt to ignore the present. Who yet has successfully predicted the events of tomorrow? Psychics get their information from false spirits. I walk alone in darkness searching for my eyes and an umbrella. Neither can be found. The Lord, who has called all things into being, surely has better plans for my life. The "Grand Spirit" loves me and that's more than enough... then why do i long for more? Moonlit Soul-Banter from the depths of no where...and everywhere all at once. The moon shines upon me but is too far away to provide warmth. I shiver aloud, but noone hears me. Will you hear me "Grand Spirit"? If you hear me, please answer....

Self Portrait

If I decided to remove the "stimulus" from the situation, I'm only left with me and how I respond to the "stimulus".... so let me do that for a minute. I'm noticing a pattern. The pattern is me constantly being surrounded by people with unbelievable drama, anger and other issues that can be quite disruptive to my attempt at a positive existence. What do i usually do? I mimic the behavior and end up more miserable than the person causing the misery. Why?! Why am I not strong enough to just stay within my own lane of positivity? I'm really trying to understand yaw. It would require incredible mental strength of which i'm realizing I don't truly possess a lot of.

How do you make a conscious decision to be positive in the midst of a bunch of negativity all the time?? It's like jumping into a puddle of mud and declaring to the world that you will remain spotless. Again, removing the stimulus, what is it in me that can't maintain my own level of positivity and faith? I've always had really strong beliefs... or so I thought. I'm not sure i can say that anymore with how "moldable" I am when in the presence of other people's drama. It's nobodies fault but mine.

I chose this picture as a self portrait because she has no face. Clearly she's, female, black with natural hair...she is an individual but it reminded me of how we eliminate our own fingerprints and give away our own unique power when we allow other people and their drama dictate how we function, and what we believe. I'm giving away my power. My power as "Michelle" is being a strong black woman of faith that is relentless and unbreakable. I've been through too much to allow itty bitty negative things and [people] to creep inside of me and destroy my faith! I have a choice to make today...

Now that I know better, I can do better... I wonder what I'll choose. Stay tuned family!

New Life

This past year has been major. I feel a need to blog about it so that I never forget what i feel during this time. Yet i struggle to find adequate words to describe it all. I've had my first successful pregnancy and delivery after 3 previous tries... that alone is major. At the same time I feel like there are things happening around me that are so far out of my realm of control that it makes me uncomfortable. There are people around me that are so angry, bitter and drama-filled that i just want to run away from them. People who have absolutely no ability to go with the flow of life and consequently create an atmosphere of tension wherever they go. I can't run away from it... and i find myself always caught in the crossfire of it all trying to remain positive and prayerful. I have no space for it.. but I have no where else to go.

This has caused me to resuscitate my prayer life in a major way. It's the ONLY way and the ONLY chance I have at surviving the tension and drama that surrounds me. And oh yeah by the way, this is all while my body is still undergoing outrageous changes that include, but are NOT limited to: Healing from the birth of my son, healing stitches, vacating hormones, A TERRORIZING NEW BORN (whom i love with my everything and wouldn't trade for the last morsel of food on earth), sleep deprivation, food deprivation and other random what nots. I can't imagine my fingers being bent back any further than they already are- although i somehow know that they'll bend but not break. [Thank You Father]

Today marks week 3 for my beautiful baby boy... and it was gracefully marked by and humongous upswing in his crying and feeding. It was so startling that I had to google what the heck might have been going on= Google is my friend. It would seem that babies have a growth spurt around the 3 week mark and begin being baby terrorists as a profession. Mommies of course become the Martyrs because nobody else will sign up for the suicide mission. During this time I find myself both horribly fatigued on every front, but still happy, excited and feeling strangely productive. Mind you I barely leave the house these days or rarely go outside a 10 ft radius at any given time. I feel both like i'm making progress in getting to know my baby boy but still feel like I'm not nearly as close to where I need to be as i should. Strange dynamic to be feeling, but i'm sure this is the yin & yang that all brand spankin' NEW mommies feel.

I feel like I need help but don't know the right questions to ask. Hence why my prayer life has become a whole heck of a lot more sincere and colorful. I have another 3 weeks before I'll be cleared for any time of extra curricular activities like exercising or sex. Which will both be weird for me. I keep hearing these horror stories about how your boobs become human super soakers during sex. Yay right!?! As if it won't be awkward enough your first time out of the gate in a grip; yeah, lets add projectile boob juice!! That'll be a swell time! *SIGH*

The number one thing that is amazing to me at this place in time is: I never know how i get from one minute to the next in my right mind. How is it possible? I mean, with the level of assistance I need and am NOT getting, you'd think i'd be crazy by now. It really reinforces my belief that we women are just made for this. Now I just have the issue of getting my husband in a place where he understands his place. He seems lost and a bit disoriented... and it frustrates he and i. I want him to just jump in and find his place in this parenting thing instead of standing mostly on the sidelines watching me wrestle a rabid pig to the ground! I know he wants to and maybe i'm not showing him an entrance... there i go again putting it all on me... it's on him to figure this out... i'll leave that be. We women have a tendency to be "self-starters"... not needing very much direction on when and how to get started.. and if we do, we just look it up... again... i prefer Google :-)

I'm thankful for a few minutes when my "baby terrorist" is sleeping, plotting his next terror attack no doubt.... but until then I can put down my thoughts in a way that's both cathartic and educational for "future" Michelle, who will look back on these things and remember what it was like when I first entered my New Life. My other life passed away and was buried at 6:47 am June 16, 2010. Welcome "New Life"... i can't wait to ride you till your wheels fall off. Hmmm...I wonder what Google has to say about that...

My Baby Story

It began with the question of whether or not I trusted His Creation. Did I trust that my body was truly made to do this? I mean, women did this back in the day, but that was before these AWESOME DRUGS had been created!! So here was my disclaimer, "I'm gonna try to do it naturally, BUT I'M GONNA LEAVE MY OPTIONS OPEN"... lol. This was my way of making sure that if I had to punk out then it was already put out there before hand.

So let's back up to Monday June 14, 2010. I had been leaking some type of fluid since the previous Thursday. I didn't tell my doctor because I was told (by google.. DON'T JUDGE ME) that discharge picks up drastically at the end of the third trimester when it got closer to delivery time. So, of course my doctor gave me the business about not calling him.. i relented and apologized. After he checked me he said that it wasn't amniotic fluid but that the sac was bulging through my cervix... the begging began= At the Doctor's office trying to get the sympathy of my OBGYN... "Please Dr. Harris!! Can you just break my water??? OR SHOW ME HOW???".. Dr. Harris: "Beat it! Do you know how many of these requests I get in a day? This is your first baby, sorry... but i'm gonna just let your body go into labor whenever it wants to"... Me: "YOU HATE ME DON'T YOU!!!" Followed by incoherent sobs and ramblings about how it was because i was black.. lol (Even though my doctor and everybody IN my doctor's office is black). Dr. Harris just gave me the dead eyes, told me to take a hike and to call him if the contractions pick up. I just got up and wobbled my fat butt out of the doctor's office.

Then there was Tuesday. My doctor has a website where you can instant message him all through out the day if needed. I got on to the website and tried one mo' gin! Me: "Doctor Harris... is there ANYTHING I CAN DO?!?!?! I mean is there something I can do to bring about my labor... I can barely walk and my back is hurting... *ouch* ... see!!! It even hurts to type Dr. Harris!!!!" Dr. Harris (i don't even have to see him to know he's giving me the face): "Michelle... HAVE SEX!!! I know you don't want to lolol.. but it works! You and your husband get busy!! Sheesh!" Me: "SEE! I KNEW YOU HATED ME"... what follows were sobs and expletives that i'm sure i'm forgiven for because of my level of agony. lolol...

Tuesday Night... I sucked it up and was about to just do it. YES- THEE "it"! I went to the bathroom with tears in my eyes... I mean, at this point, I'll do ANYTHING! If my doctor would have told me that doing the kid n play was the only way to go into labor, me and Vaughan would have been clickin' ankles right then and there! I know some of you are like, "what's wrong with having sex with your husband"... WELP! Let's see how much you wanna have sex when you have to pee every 10 minutes, your sciatic nerves HATE YOU and you can barely walk... not to mention everything INSIDE of you hurts. What would make you want to put something in there ON PURPOSE?! My poor husband... he was just as sad as I was- Me: "Let me just go pee babe." Vaughan: "*sigh* okay Sweet Pea". It was the longest walk to the bathroom in the HISTORY of walking to the bathroom. It felt like i was walking to an outhouse in the woods. Yes, it was that long of a walk. I was, afterall, walking the "PLANK"! At the end of this walk, I was surely going to die from pain! I stood at the sink after washing my hands and was preparing myself for the long hike back from the "woods" when, at 12:15 am.... God SAVED MY LIFE! He did... I mean my Father in Heaven came down from Heaven & His Throne, took a Holy Needle and poked a hole in my water sac HIMSELF!!! Yes, people, my water broke right at the sink before I had to walk back from the outhouse to my demise! If i hadn't been so fat, i would've done the Mrs. Ruby C-walk Holy Dance RIGHT THERE!

I lept into the hallway, Me: "BABE!!! BABE!!! MY WATER BROKE"!! Vaughan: "THANK YOU JESUS!! I mean, GOOD BABE!!! Let's get rolling"!!! We tore through the house collecting everything we could think of. We got to the hospital at 12:30 am- my contractions started as soon as we got into triage. They were less than 60 seconds apart. I was told that contractions feel like really bad menstrual cramps... NOT!!! They're in the same place that you have menstrual cramps.. but I swear the pain is different. So much so, I had to ask the nurse if what i was feeling was actually contractions. She said, "Uh yeah!"... she's lucky that i was still nice at this point. But I digress...i got into my labor room and my breathing was on POINT... I was standing up and rocking and laboring peeerfectly. I sat on the excercise ball to help open my hips... and aside from the nurse who literally had to stay glued to me with a fetal monitor because i refused to sit still, it was a pretty drama-free experience...kind of... but we won't divulge it all here.

Then cramps went from... "Hi my name is Mrs. Contractions and it's soooo nice to meet you... i'll be with you for just a lil while... feel free to call my by my first name= Labor"...To, "WHAT?! DID YOU JUST CALL ME BY MY FIRST NAME, YO!!!???? YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ME LIKE THAT... i'M NEVER GOIN' AWAY...EVER!!! CALL ME 'DEATH' BECAUSE I'M ABOUT TO KiiiiiiILLLLL YOU", respectively. This is where my trust in Christ got real...

I was going into the "transition" phase of labor. This is where women usually say "Uncle" and get drugs because the pain feels like you have 65 gremlins munching on your insides. This is where your body is transitioning you into full on push mode...it's time to actually have the baby after you get through this phase. Now mind you, usually, when you're in labor, your pain peaks and then subsides for about 3-5 mins or so at first... mine never presented such graces. From 12:30 am until 6:46 am my contractions were less than 60 seconds apart. God was truly there for me! Although that seems like a long time, when you're in labor, you seem to go into some type of time warp. It never feels like it's that long because you're so ingulfed in the happenings of labor.

I was beginning to question whether or not I was going to be able to do it. My husband was a CHAMP! He was calm and helped me breathe well, massaged everything he could and helped me to keep me calm and not panic. I never cried... i never screamed -ok twice-... and I know if it hadn't been for the Lord and my husband.. i would have been scared and SCREAMED "Uncle"! I stalled out at 7 cm and then all of a sudden felt my body start pushing! It scared me because it was totally an unassisted push! Nobody ever told me that your body would do this! The Lord spoke to me... He told me, in His own way, that my body absolutely knew how to do this and I should trust His creation. But i was in pain... I was begging for help... Me: "Nurse is there anything you can give me at this point?!!! I'm not sure I can take much more"- Nurse: "You can do this Michelle, you've done an incredible job.. you're almost there... let me check your cervix one more time". When she checked me, I was at 9 1/2 cm... it only took 20 minutes for me to jump from 7 cm all the way to 9 1/2 cm.. amazing!

My body started to push Josiah hard! He wasn't very pleased about this... he started to move his head from side to side because he's just ornery like that. Something was pushing him...so... he decided he would push back. Me: "NO, NO, NO!!! *OWW* Josiah stop moving!!!" Josiah: "Mrs. Contractions STARTED IT"!! My body then began to really push and I'm trying to tell the nurse that he's about to come and NOW because I can't stop my body from pushing. Right then Dr. Harris, impecable timing I might add, walked in ready to get down to business... my husband stepped outside the door to retrieve the coffee that my sister got for him... terrible timing on his part because my first REAL push, pushed Josiah's head out as soon as Dr. Harris sat down- Vaughan, hearing the monstrous sound that came from my throat area, hurried back in the room only to see his son's lil cone head sticking out.. Vaughan: "HOLY CRAP"... Me: "GRRRRRROWLOIULKKKUJHUFOOIUYURR#E)*(*^#>%$%%%">*%*^&^*&%@!@!!!=6+6=12>>%$%%%!!&@&&&!"..... 30 seconds later at 6:47 am Josiah's whole body flew out of me.

OMG!

His little hand shot up in the air, Me: "OMG!!! SOMEBODY JUST CAME OUT OF ME"...Vaughan: ::-0 !! They put him on my chest... i was instantly smitten. Even the weight of his body on my chest was perfect. He was meant to be there... it was destiny that at that moment in time he was on my chest... smiling at his daddy. Dr. Harris said, "He's a chubber! I bet he weighs 8lbs 8ounces".. everybody put in their own guesses to his weight. Everybody was in shock when he weighed in at exactly 8lbs 8ounces! We all shot a look over at Dr. Harris in disbelief. Amazing. Dr. Harris looked up and me and said, "Did yaw do what i told you to do?" I shouted, "HECKY NAW!! SAVED BY THE BAG"... my water bag that is.

Because I hadn't gotten any drugs... my body began to flood itself with endorphins... i was soooo high... for days i felt euphoric. So while I'm starting to feel high... my sister rips through the room almost running Dr. Harris over to come see Josiah in my arms. Dr. Harris: "Hey yaw! I'm trying to do some work down here guys!" Everybody: ::Ignore:: I cried. I cried because I couldn't believe God had just brought me through something so incredibly scary! Just something so incredible.

I'll stop here... but..

Ladies... it's okay to trust your body. When the pain got so intense that I didn't know if I could take it anymore... I know now that it was the because i was at the end. Seems to be that way with all adversity that rises against His children. He's already given your body everything it needs to give birth. I'm glad I at least gave it a go. He brought me through...