Today...

"Please oh please, wear blue and green, so flowers can bloom and birds can sing... todaaaaaayyy"- Erykah Badu

That's what i'm feelin' like today... i need to have music blaring in my ear... something upbeat... hmmm... and maybe some of that neo-soul.  I'm feeling really laid back.  Really proud of my progress as far as the new "way of life" is concerned.  I've dropped some serious pounds in like a nano-second!  In a minute i'm gonna be acting extremely brand new pretending i don't know certain people.  Sounds good. LOL! 


We're moving into a new, much bigger place.  I'm really excited!  Not because this place is immaculate... but because i'll be closer to my family and i'll always have a house full of teens and lil ones.  I love even just the thought of it.  It keeps me holding on.  God gave me a word back in June that came out of Haggai.  It prophesied that on September 24, 2009, nothing would be the same because He's going to bless everything thing we do from then on out.  That was a huge Word.  I'm standing on it so hard that i'm hoping it doesn't give under my weight. LOL!  Impossible!  God's word is stronger than heaviest person or situation in the world and beyond!! 


I'm going to humbly stay in prayer that this word comes to fruition because it has, afterall, been the longest period of famine i've ever been through.  I've been struggling intensely financially, physically, emotionally and spiritually for almost 7 years....i need this to be over. 

Haggai 2:17-23 



I struck you and all the products of your toil with blight and with mildew and with hail yet you did not turn to me, declares the LORD. 18 Consider from this day onward from the twenty-fourth day of the ninth month. Since the day that the foundation of the LORD’s temple was laid, consider: 19 Is the seed yet in the barn? Indeed, the vine, the fig tree, the pomegranate, and the olive tree have yielded nothing. But from this day on I will bless you."



20 The word of the LORD came a second time to Haggai  on the twenty-fourth day of the month, 21"Speak to  Zerubbabel, governor of Judah, saying,  I am about to shake the heavens and the earth, 22and  to overthrow the throne of kingdoms. I am about to destroy the strength of the kingdoms of the nations, and  overthrow the chariots and their riders. And the horses and their riders shall go down,  every one by the sword of his brother. 23On that day, declares the LORD of hosts, I will take you, O  Zerubbabel  my servant, the son of  Shealtiel, declares the LORD, and make you  like a  signet ring, for I have chosen you, declares the LORD of hosts."

iJerk= For real!

Today, started off with a bang.  And not a good one.  I told my husband that if he didn't start complimenting me more and validating me that i would start really liking it when other men did.  He was none too happy, to say the least.  I was pissed OFF.  Here I am, just bought a new shirt that i thought he would enjoy.  I twisted my hair up extra nice so that he would think it was really cute... and theeeeennnnn...=nothing=!  I felt really bad.  Like i was invisible.  When i brought it up to him, i had to choke back my tears i was so upset.  He tried to say that he told me i looked nice in the kitchen this morning... but i didn't hear it.  Yeah right!!!  I told him that women really do look to their husbands to make them feel pretty and that we really just want to be adored.  ((maybe didn't say it in that tone or words))  But that was the gist.  He was so pissed that he basically said that i was just insecure; i'm sure he said it just to hurt my feelings.... but was he right? 

I do think i have some insecurities, i mean who doesn't... but i never thought that wanting my husband to tell me i'm "pretty" meant that i was insecure.  Maybe i am.  LOL... sounds pathetic when i read it in typed print.  Why do i need his validation at all?  Why does it matter what he thinks at all???  I hate being that dependent on someone... even my husband.  I need to sort this out in my brain... because on the one hand... i really don't think there's anything wrong with looking to your husband to compliment you... but then again... it just sounds really pathetic.  Women, most of the time unknowingly, seek the attention and approval of men.  We even judge ourselves according to how many men compliment us now apposed to when we were younger and "thinner".  We may not vocalize it, AT ALL, but we do notice when the compliments come fewer and far between.  It makes us sad.  And that's just with strangers!!!


Imagine how i must feel when my husband, the man i sleep with everyday, doesn't even notice me anymore?!?!  I'm not saying ever.. but on those days when i feel extra cute... it would feel so much better if my husband thought so too.  I'm being really transparent right now.  I usually never talk about my marital issues on here, but today this had to come out.  What I said to him i meant.  He's my "homecourt", and if I'm not receiving the attention I need in my "homecourt", i may start enjoying the "external" attention a lil too much!  Yes, i was mad when I said it but it's true.  I don't want to be validated by some random perv on the street... but if this is one of my needs that i have so clearly expressed, then it will be fulfilled in one way or another.  I sound like a straight jerk... but at least i'm an honest jerk!

Commune with God today...

Good morning all...

Today i'm just in this place where i wanna express just how much i need God. I need Him so much! Just lifting my head is a chore. I have no strength in my bones right now... but i'm so thankful for His Word that says, "My strength is made perfect in your weakness".... i cling to that word on today. Yesterday is in a furnace... yes, but now i'm trying to get today out of the ditch! I need a fresh anointing to rain down on me from Heaven. For the very strength, joy and peace of God to be upon me. The lord says that if i don't try to lean on my own feeble understanding, then the peace that goes beyond anything I can understand will fall upon me. I pray for that today. Confident assurance in Christ and Christ alone.

I can do all things through Christ that gives me strength. Anything?? Anything!! I'm going to really meditate on the fact that if i can believe... NOTHING is impossible to me. NOTHING AT ALL!! I pray that the Holy Spririt within me will assist me in believing and believing without doubt. Help me Heavenly Father to believe.

Amen

Wake up call at 3:30pm .....

On Saturday, August 29th at 3:30 pm my wake up call came in. Hard. I'm at Chipotle's with one of my good friends and I was a lil jittery and so i'm like yeah... let me eat something. I eat. Feel a lil better for about 15 minutes. Then {{{ALARM, ALARM}}}!!!! My body just became completely weak... dizzy... nauseous... disoriented... and I just began to say... "take me to the hospital, take me to the hospital"..... get to the hospital, i'm freakin' out completely... they check my blood sugar and discover that it's a WHOPPING 233! 83 points above what it should be!

They check me into the hospital and begin their barrage of tests to figure out what's going on. I'm so afraid at this point that i'll end up like my father, his mother, my mother's father, my mother's mother and so many others that have suffered from the horrible horrible diabetes DEMON!! I begin to pray that God will give me another chance... a chance to fix this. I heard Him when He told me over a year ago that i needed to change my diet "or else"... why didn't I listen?!?!?! "Lord, please just give me another chance to change my diet so that i can change my circumstances"... "please"... "Hear my prayer Lord"... He heard me.

The doctor comes in on the second day and says, " I have good news and terrible news... which one do you want first"? My butt instantly begins to cringe... "Terrible news first, please"? He clears his throat, "We think it's type II diabetes and Diabetes itself is a horrible disease... it can be life threatening... it can totally ruin your life and even your chances for a good life"... I sink. I beg him for good news, "Well damn... what's the good news then"?... okay not so much begging but a lil ornery at this point. He begins, "Type II Diabetes is benign and is totally reversible if you completely change your eating habits and work out on a SUPER regular basis".... like i said... He heard me.

They totally could've come in and said, "YOU HAVE 5 MINUTES TO LIVE........ACTUALLY NOW YOU HAVE 4 minutes and 59 seconds... hahahahahHAHA!!!" ... but no... they didn't. They told my life is totally in my own hands at this point. Which really is kinda worse if you think about it. I suck and consistency. But now i HAVE to be consistent or I'll kill myself!??!! What kinda CRAP is that?!?!?! Be perfect in your decision making or you'll DIE!!?!?!?! Okay so maybe that's a lil dramatic but I don't know how well this is going to end for me. Everybody thinks that i don't have kids because we haven't had much luck... nah... it's because GOD FORBID ANYBODY'S LIFE BE IN MY HANDS... even my own!!!

Needless to say... this is the worse wake up call of my entire life. Now, i can't go back to sleep. Ever.

Spiritual Puke!

So today was the day that i let go a few lingering issues. Today was the day that i took control over a few things that were clogging up the pores to my spirit. I've been tight lipped about these things and didn't want to tell God how I really felt about them. I even TRIED to tell Him how I was feeling. It didn't work. I just felt this resistance... like SHHHHHHHHHHH... don't say nothing!! Today I couldn't take it anymore!!! I stuck my finger deep down into my throat and PUKED IT ALL OUT!!! All the stuff i've been wanting to ask for... all the feelings that I've been holding on to ... came flyin' outta my mouth in huge spiritual chunks! I saw somethings come out that for the life of me, i could figure out what i digested that would make THAT color of puke!

I feel a lil better i gotta say... but i think there will be more coming out tonight. That's right... it ain't over by a long shot. Just a minute ago i felt some rumbling in my spirit that let me know that there's more! So... i'm gonna take a deep breath and let the fat, spiritual baby chunks flow. While I know that you love my analogies of venting to God and PUKE... i just want you to know that it's all for you :-) lolololol...

No, but the reason I'm blogging this is because I want everybody (anybody who may read this) to know that there comes a time when all the things in life that we get poisoned with, and even the things we poison ourselves with, have to come out... one way or the other. However it comes out... get a fat bucket and puke it out before the Lord Almighty in Jesus Name!!! lololol

{{OmMppFF}} I think another round is underway... GOTTA GO!! Hope to see you there ;-)

FINGER.WAVES.

Yeah so.. yesterday I was walking downtown and saw somebody with Finger Waves and was sincerely perplexed! Like... what??!?!?! Waves are back?? I'm gonna need the name and number of the person that authorized this comeback!! What makes it so bad... they weren't fresh at all! They were like crusty... and if anybody was like me back in the day... then you know that old brown gel STANKS! I thought i even saw somebody with a box the other day... i just don't know what's going on here! I'm trying to stay "in" as best i can but the older you get the less you know about today's fashions... that is unless you have access to teenagers who you can completely harrass on a weekly basis as the fads shift and change like the wind.

I'm in this tug of war with my age and how young i feel. I feel so old sometimes but I know that i'm young! So what should I put on my back right now??? LOL! Victoria Secrets Pink line are OUT for me simply because my boobs have decided for me that it ain't goin' down. period. I LOVE TORRIDS!!! However, Torrid money is non existent. period. SO= any ideas... what should 28/29 years old be wearing?? Keep in mind that i'm a SAVED 28/29 so don't come @ me with some stuff that has the majority of my Double D's hangin' out on the ground... lolololoL!

First post of 2009=All.At.Once.

I guess it's been a while huh? lol... I haven't committed to this website and I should because it gives me great peace to just come on here sometimes and just vent you know?? Well I'm going to give you something a lil different. I'm going to start a prayer journal instead of just a blog... i'm going to be really transparent with you all on here because I believe even if you don't say anything, it's possible that my struggles will help some of you cope with things... maybe even inspire you to want more from God and not be afraid to ask for it =)

2009 so far=

This year has been an eye-opener. Some of it very painful but some of it extremely liberating... When we don't live our lives to please God He will sometimes blind us of our mess... that is until He's ready to reveal to you the carnage you've left behind. Well 2009 began with a violent tearing away of the scales that were blinding my view of myself. It was painful and so far has led to a lot of nights on my face crying out to God to make me better. However, it made me free. Free of living in ignorance of myself and the things that I do. I'm thankful for that. Things that I thought i'd gotten over, my ways, my mouth and most of all my total lack of understanding where my purpose is concerned= it has been a huge awakening for me. I'm a 28 year old woman who has lived through horrible things that i mostly brought on myself and now i just want it all to stop. My faith in Christ should have given me peace through the storm and stability in waivering times but... i realized this year that although i believe that He is God... i didn't believe a WORD He said. Yeah... a WORD. I realized that i really don't stand on anything when faced with tribulation. I allowed the emotional aspect of it all sweep me in to overhaul and just dealt with it... without a fight.

Well i woke up... now i'm out of agreement with all those things that tried to hurt me and trick me into believing in them. I'm done.. and i'm ready to take a stand... on God's Word that is.

Here are the things that I strongly desire in 2009:

Peace
Love
Joy
Real Relationship with God
What is Good
What is Happy
What is Sweet
What Flows
Clarity
Direction
Fearlessness
Boldness
Concentration
Integrity
Wealth
Health
Abundance of Life
Children.

I want them NOW! I'm not afraid to ask for them anymore... all. at. once.<

Cows & Bees vs Milk & Honey

Good afternoon all,

God gave me a word this morning and is asking me to be obedient in passing it along. I used to do this on a regular basis but a word came to me recently saying that I was about to go through a period of learning. Any of you who serve God knows that there is a season to eat and a season to serve, but it's rare that you can do both well at the same time. This word is the first complete word that God has given me to minister to others in a while... It's long, but it's a true "soul banter"... I pray that the word God gave me will bless richly bless you all!

Cows & Bees vs Milk & Honey

Exodus 3:7-10

7 The LORD said, "I have indeed seen the misery of my people in Egypt. I have heard them crying out because of their slave drivers, and I am concerned about their suffering. 8 So I have come down to rescue them from the hand of the Egyptians and to bring them up out of that land into a good and spacious land, a land flowing with milk and honey—the home of the Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites. 9 And now the cry of the Israelites has reached me, and I have seen the way the Egyptians are oppressing them. 10 So now, go. I am sending you to Pharaoh to bring my people the Israelites out of Egypt."

Jericho. I liken Jericho unto anything I pray to God in earnest for. The thing that could make tears of joy and longing drop from my eyes anytime I think about it. The first Jericho I ever really wanted was Vaughan. I didn't even know it was Vaughan, but because I had totally surrendered my desires to God, He gave me the good thing He promised to never withhold from me. I wrote down everything I wanted in my husband on cardboard and walked around it in a church parking lot for 7 days, just like the Israelites did when they were about to overtake the city of Jericho! That next December is when Vaughan walked back into my life after almost 10 years. My Jericho had arrived!!!! The question that remained was, could God trust me to recognize it?

The Israelites had every sign, wonder and miracle right before their eyes and yet they did not believe. They complained and whined and found every excuse to be miserable and disobey God when all they had to do was believe. How many of us, right now, are conquering our City of Jericho, overflowing with milk and honey... and all we can see are too many cows and too many bees?! How many of us are standing in our wealthy place and are still swatting at the bees? The very bees that create our honey!! We don't respect the job that God gave us, we don't love the people that God put in our lives, we disrespect God by speaking a hateful word against His anointed- spreading rumors= bearing false witness against each other... angry and can't see God's overwhelming blessings in our lives. Mad at the cows because there are too many and you're constantly stepping in cow pies! Don't you realize that those cow pies are fertilizing your ground?!?! Don't you realize the more grass that grows, the more the cows will eat and ultimately will be able to produce MORE milk and MORE cows?!?!

We act as wicked, non believing Israelites most times don't we? In Exodus it talks about how the cries of His people were so loud that they reached the gates of Heaven and God began to put a rescue bail out and total deliverance plan in place! Yet, when this plan was put into action... these people, the same people who had cried out for deliverance, were acting like they didn't have ANY sense! They would have preferred to remain in captivity because they were too afraid to believe. Then they looked at Moses thinking, who does he think he is??? Is this you? Has God sent you a messenger or rescue boat, but because it didn't have on Prada, wasn't an eloquent speaker, or because you thought they were too young you passed it by? Moses, the man who stuttered, had committed murder and who had put himself into exile was CHOSEN by God to lead His people to freedom. Who is wise enough to judge? Who can call unclean what God has called clean?? Certainly not us.

Our precious Father who has said that He is "married to the backslider"(HOSEA 4:14-20) has pledged to love us and still care for us, though we fight Him the whole way to freedom. Though we prostitute ourselves to money, men/women, clothes and riches making things our Idol. Though we would prefer to remain in captivity because we are too afraid to believe God for something better= Though we commit adultery against our marriage to God, He has still prepared good things for us. If only we could believe it. If only we could Obey Him. If only we could trust Him. If only... So here you are... sitting in your Jericho, a place that God gave you, to rescue you and give you the desires of your heart. This place where milk & honey flow freely = and all you can talk about are the cows & the bees.

Check yourselves brothers and sisters. Last week was a firestorm of me complaining about the Cows & Bees at work and in my life. Yet these are the same blessings that when my husband transitioned from one job to the other and when we needed just a few more dollars to pay the bills, I had the money to do it! I sat here mad at a heifer who I KNEW was put in my Jericho to fertilize my soil = to help me be so strong that nothing would deter me from being able to build wealth. Swatting at bees being too blind to see that yeah, these may sting, but they also produce the honey & nectar I need in my wealthy place. Pay attention to what God is doing in your life family. I now walk in my wealthy place, about to bring forth in just 2 short months the very thing God spoke in my life before the foundation of the earth was lain. But I could have missed it.

As you know, there were some in the Israelite camp that didn't make it. Some were killed and, to be honest, not matter how they died- one thing surely stood out = Disobedience! Moses, the very man who led the people to freedom in the first place, didn't make it into the wealthy place God promised him because he was disobedient. Some of you know and can recognize that God has spoken mighty things in your life and some of you even know what they are... yet you are in danger of being taken out of the game before you walk into your wealthy place. We struggle with trusting and being obedient to God... and we allow our own evil desires drag us away from Him. We allow our lust for life, our lust for people, and even our lust for the approval of others stand in the way of the thing that we KNOW God called us to do!! What some people have called a mistake, we call proof. God took my husband and I 900 miles away from our comfort zone just to show us the "truth" of who He is in our lives. He proved to us that He had called us to do a particular thing and if we had listened to the fears of our loved ones, (who were only concerned) we would have never gotten here = staring our wealthy place in the face we invite others to do the same.

What do you see? Do you see Milk & Honey or Do you see Cows & Bees? Did you see how unfortunate it has been for Vaughan and I to be on the bus all this time? Or did you see the countless people we got the chance to witness to along the way? Did you see how we've struggled financially over the years? Or did you see how incredibly unbreakable our marriage has become because of it; how well we can balance the books now = which is all about to come in handy? Did you see it? I'm just now seeing it-- I'm going from Cows & Bees to seeing Milk & Honey... will you? Will you see that the wonders and blessings of God don't always come in pretty bows with sweet smells of roses... even though they are? He is a sweet smelling savior who is perfect in all His ways, no matter what they are!

I feel the Holy Spirit asking me to stop there. Asking you all to think about what you have placed ahead of God. Please know that God has promised you good things and not disaster for your life (Jeremiah 29:11) But you could be in danger of never receiving those things because of your disobedience and total disregard for the Most High God. I pray that you, brothers and sisters, will please begin to examine your hearts - ask God to come in and cleanse you so that you will have a mind to serve and obey the commands of our Lord & Savior.

With many blessings & Love I pray...

Amen

Praise Reports!!!

God has moved mightily! Vaughan has been offered a higher position in Springfield and he accepted. Now, those of you who have been paying attention lolol... know that Vaughan and I haven't had a car in a year = WELL... THEY OFFERED TO BUY US A CAR JUST SO THAT VAUGHAN COULD MAKE IT TO WORK!!!!!!!!! WOW! Also, the organization God gave us about 2 years ago... is finally about to come to fruition in 2 short months! Praise God...

But... is this what you think my praise report is? It's not...

Ok. Some of you out there reading this believes that God is good... may not know it... but want to believe that's He's good. You may also want to believe that He blesses and are reading this hoping that the words I type will inspire you to believe that God will bless you. Well, He will. I truly bless God for what He's done for my husband and I... all the things that He's about to do... and has done.

But I must share something with you... all of you who are reading this hoping that God will do the same for you... hoping that God will give you something = keep reading... I bless God for who He is... not for what He can do FOR me. The best thing God the Father could have ever done FOR me is send His only Son here to die for me that I might be FREE! So these other things... although they can be thought of as proof of His Headship, greatness and His hand over my life... the REAL proof of His Headship over my life is how I live... and how I express God's nature through my life. How i allow God to use me in any way He pleases... How I can bless His name in times of lack as well in times of luxury... I sure hope somebody can get this! God is not only as great as His blessings... GOD IS GREAT ALL BY HIMSELF!! He's great no matter the blessing... He shouldn't have to BUY your affection! He shouldn't have to give you something frivilous before you understand His love and concern for your well being.

Can you imagine that some of the angels that fell with satan were Seraphim... do you know what a Seraphim's job is??? Their job is to care for the THRONE of God... and you mean to tell me they just decided they were tired of taking care of the THRONE OF GOD???? They are the ones that they talk about in Isaiah 6:3 who continually cried out saying, "Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord of hosts: the whole earth is full of His glory"...Wow... but God in all His infinite wisdom is so serious about "will & relationship"... you see... You don't HAVE to love God... in fact... He prefers that if you make the CHOICE to love Him... you make it knowing that there is NO gun to your head... but if you could just get to know Him and have a relationship with Him... there is no way you couldn't fall in love with Him...

Get to know God... stop trying to pimp God... Just belonging to Him IS my praise report... nothing else...

Barack Elected, my coworker FIRED!!!

11/5/08--- not even a day after the election of our first black president comes the very first white person to feel the sting of what it means to offend a black person in these times. I was soooo stunned that my boss asked me to put it in writing and he'll make a decision on what to do today. Comments please:

Good morning Josh & Brandon,

I know that this is an unpleasant situation; it’s not a great day for me either. I wish I wouldn’t have to be speaking to you two about this at all, but hopefully this will bring about a swift resolution.

The time was around 9:46 a.m.; Amy was on the phone with a customer who had called in. The customer, I know had called in, in response to a message Amy left for them yesterday because she began saying, “The reason I called you yesterday was because….” I didn’t have my heater on yet so I could hear everything going on in the office. I then heard her lower her voice and say, “Well, to me, the first issue is that he’s a “Black Man”, the second is that his name sounds like an Arab name”, she then began to spell out his last name to prove that Obama was an Arab name. Then she said, “I’m just scared to death. I know he’ll be assassinated soon”!

When she said that, I said, “OH MY GOD” very loudly!!! Then she tried to get louder and stopped whispering, but then said, “I just don’t think people thought this through, I’m just really concerned about our country”. I looked back at Russ and said, “Did you hear what she just said???” He shrugged his shoulders and said he didn’t hear her. I just got up and ran into Kristie’s office crying and shaking because I was so angry! I looked back and she was running into Tom’s office saying something to him. I couldn’t believe that she said what she said. For the first time since I started working at GoKeyless, I feel uncomfortable being the only black person in the office. I’ve never felt this way before; I just can’t understand the racist frame of mind. Although the customer she was speaking with agreed with everything she said, I just couldn’t believe she would number one, speak that way with a customer & two, say something so racist with me just two cubicles down!!

When I first got hired she made a joke about an Indian person she was speaking with saying, “They’re Indian, what do you expect”. I called her out on that then because I didn’t want her or anybody to be comfortable cracking jokes about people’s race. I’m probably one third of every race there is on earth, so you almost can’t make a joke about any race and not offend me.

In conclusion, if you’d like to know what I want to see happen with Amy, I’ll take an excerpt from one of Barack Obama’s campaign ads and say, “Amy Payton, you just can’t afford more of the same”. Have a blessed day!