The Sun in the Son= Venting!!!

It's sunny outstide. It's really beautiful. I find myself staring out my window wanting to go for a jog... yet I can't. I want to just go and sit in the park and let the warm air circle around my toes for hours at a time... can't do that either. I have to always be back at my home or near it every two hours. I either have to check my blood sugar, eat or give myself one of the 4 shots i'm supposed to give myself every single day. I feel like prisoner.. and I'm realizing that's the nature of the disease. I have never been more motivated to do a thing in all my life. I'm gonna kill the killer. Murder the murderer... I'm putting out a hit on the one responsible for so many 187's in my family. Diabetes. It only took one doctor to say, "It may very well have more to do with the pregnancy than anything, but type II diabetes is totally curable and reversible"... that's all he had to say. I know how I'm going to do and when I'm going to do it. It starts now.

This pregnancy has been both wonderful and horrible for me. I complain about it on a daily basis. I struggle to see the bright and fluffy side of pregnancy that some women see. It's truly a blessing for me, with all the drama and trauma it took for me to be pregnant at all... yet all day I dream about the moment when the pregnancy has come to the point of delivery. The sun is outside full force today... yet I'm seeking the Son inside today. It's funny, the Sun represents brillance and warmth and even better, endless possibilities. The Son on the other hand represents all that and a million more things like: Freedom, Wholeness, Healing, Joy... yeah... endless great possibilities. It explains how I can feel one when experiencing the other. I have more energy in my body when the Sun is out. And when the Son is "in" I feel warmth, brilliance and freedom within.

Pregnancy tends to change your whole personality. It narrows your vision, it's broadens your emotional response and it shrinks your personality as a whole... you've gone from being YOU with all that comes with you, to "you" and the baby and all that means for you. Where did I go? I'm putting and APB out on myself... i miss me. 4 more weeks and I'll hopefully be returning from wherever I've been.

I'm seeking the Sun in the Son today. Lord meet me in my place of need today... amen

The Lamentation Of His Phoenix...

Blind fury. Screaming at the top of my lungs the world was hazy. Hazy because of the tears blinding me. Confusion mixed with fear causing ignorance and an unguarded mouth. Ungaurded mouth leading to death spoken over myself and all that belongED to me. Will I lose it all because of what I've said? If I do it is well deserved. You say you love me, but I struggle in secret with that notion. I struggle with you loving me because you knew me before I was even born. You knew the pain that would be dealt me in this fallen world. You knew. You knew the heartache and heartbreak that would plague me and chip away at me like old paint on dilapidated wood. You knew. You knew the lonliness that i would feel standing in a room full of familiar strangers. You knew how lost i would be standing on my own street. You knew every attack of the enemy that YOU would allow. You told my enemy yes. You told him YES! The pain stings. A scorpion could have just stung me and there would be no difference. I know you Mr. & Mrs. Stranger. I know you feel angry and lost. I know you look back at all you've tried to accomplish and see fruitless things, seemingly in vain. I know you. We are twins. We came from the same womb. I seek you out for comfort but you're too broken to console. I hope, for no reason at all. There is still life in me somewhere in this valley. How? Must not be important to know. Yet I ask again... how? How do I continue to stand and move forward when all i want to do is stop and lie down, wait for death. Death is easy, life is the struggle. Blind fury. Waves of anger wash over me like labor pains. They begin, reach a climax and subside again. I wait for another and another. I wonder am I even dialated? Am I even close to delivering what the Lord placed in my womb? Who can even check the cervix of a Christian but God? I wait to hear from Him. Who ever heard of a 7 year long labor? I'm still waiting. It moves inside of me, it's taken everything to carry it for this long. Everything. I've carried it for so long I'm becoming resentful of it. Yeah, it's because of YOU i get beat down in the spiritual and physical daily. Here comes another contraction. Because of YOUR splendor and for HIS sake am I slaughtered like sheep in a field... all... day... long. Take the bitterness away Lord. I want to love you completely. Yet, I feel angry because of my beatings. I feel resentment everytime I'm slapped. I want to lash out everytime I go hungry. I want to leave everytime I'm punched. Tell my enemy NO Lord. Tell him NO! Bipolar love. Extreme highs and profound lows. Settle the storm that rages. Help me to understand the thunder and lightening. Help me to see the beauty in the breakdown. Help me. Help me to love you even a fraction of the way you love me. Give me back my passion and zeal Lord. Restore to me what the enemy has taken away. Strife leaves you empty inside and out. It sucks the life right out of everything. Yet, I ask Lord, don't remove this strife until you can promise it won't return to me. These things I've seen over and over and over again. Cyclical drama. The kind you can see coming because you've been there before and back again. Restore my soul Lord. Restore my heart Lord. Give me a heart of Flesh for my heart of Stone. Refresh my soul. Refresh in my mind your call. Prepare me for the spiritual birth and the physical one about to take place in my life. This is my Psalm. This is my lamentation Jesus. Restore me! My heart cries out in plain truth and riddles that I can't understand. Make intercession for me Lord. I'm here.. until you say so. A slave of the Most High is Royalty to the World. I'm a slave of you, and even if I left or even attempted to, my heart would long to be back in your captivity. I'm a glutten for you God. You satisfy me and deprive me all at the same time. I feel tortured without you. Yet I feel strained with you. Help my understanding. Give me strength. I cry out IN PUBLIC. UNashamed of my captivity. UNashamed of my walk which is a painful one. UNashamed to be lost in familiar surroundings. UNashamed to want and need you. Make me your Phoenix Lord. Raise me again out of the ashes of pain, confusion, frustration, anguish and destruction of every kind. Raise me again Lord. Make me your Phoenix Father!! My final request Father... I ask with an earnest and impoverished heart....Give me Beauty for my Ashes.

Amen.