"Please oh please, wear blue and green, so flowers can bloom and birds can sing... todaaaaaayyy"- Erykah Badu
That's what i'm feelin' like today... i need to have music blaring in my ear... something upbeat... hmmm... and maybe some of that neo-soul. I'm feeling really laid back. Really proud of my progress as far as the new "way of life" is concerned. I've dropped some serious pounds in like a nano-second! In a minute i'm gonna be acting extremely brand new pretending i don't know certain people. Sounds good. LOL!
We're moving into a new, much bigger place. I'm really excited! Not because this place is immaculate... but because i'll be closer to my family and i'll always have a house full of teens and lil ones. I love even just the thought of it. It keeps me holding on. God gave me a word back in June that came out of Haggai. It prophesied that on September 24, 2009, nothing would be the same because He's going to bless everything thing we do from then on out. That was a huge Word. I'm standing on it so hard that i'm hoping it doesn't give under my weight. LOL! Impossible! God's word is stronger than heaviest person or situation in the world and beyond!!
I'm going to humbly stay in prayer that this word comes to fruition because it has, afterall, been the longest period of famine i've ever been through. I've been struggling intensely financially, physically, emotionally and spiritually for almost 7 years....i need this to be over.
Haggai 2:17-23
I struck you and all the products of your toil with blight and with mildew and with hail yet you did not turn to me, declares the LORD. 18 Consider from this day onward from the twenty-fourth day of the ninth month. Since the day that the foundation of the LORD’s temple was laid, consider: 19 Is the seed yet in the barn? Indeed, the vine, the fig tree, the pomegranate, and the olive tree have yielded nothing. But from this day on I will bless you."
20 The word of the LORD came a second time to Haggai on the twenty-fourth day of the month, 21"Speak to Zerubbabel, governor of Judah, saying, I am about to shake the heavens and the earth, 22and to overthrow the throne of kingdoms. I am about to destroy the strength of the kingdoms of the nations, and overthrow the chariots and their riders. And the horses and their riders shall go down, every one by the sword of his brother. 23On that day, declares the LORD of hosts, I will take you, O Zerubbabel my servant, the son of Shealtiel, declares the LORD, and make you like a signet ring, for I have chosen you, declares the LORD of hosts."
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
iJerk= For real!
Today, started off with a bang. And not a good one. I told my husband that if he didn't start complimenting me more and validating me that i would start really liking it when other men did. He was none too happy, to say the least. I was pissed OFF. Here I am, just bought a new shirt that i thought he would enjoy. I twisted my hair up extra nice so that he would think it was really cute... and theeeeennnnn...=nothing=! I felt really bad. Like i was invisible. When i brought it up to him, i had to choke back my tears i was so upset. He tried to say that he told me i looked nice in the kitchen this morning... but i didn't hear it. Yeah right!!! I told him that women really do look to their husbands to make them feel pretty and that we really just want to be adored. ((maybe didn't say it in that tone or words)) But that was the gist. He was so pissed that he basically said that i was just insecure; i'm sure he said it just to hurt my feelings.... but was he right?
I do think i have some insecurities, i mean who doesn't... but i never thought that wanting my husband to tell me i'm "pretty" meant that i was insecure. Maybe i am. LOL... sounds pathetic when i read it in typed print. Why do i need his validation at all? Why does it matter what he thinks at all??? I hate being that dependent on someone... even my husband. I need to sort this out in my brain... because on the one hand... i really don't think there's anything wrong with looking to your husband to compliment you... but then again... it just sounds really pathetic. Women, most of the time unknowingly, seek the attention and approval of men. We even judge ourselves according to how many men compliment us now apposed to when we were younger and "thinner". We may not vocalize it, AT ALL, but we do notice when the compliments come fewer and far between. It makes us sad. And that's just with strangers!!!
Imagine how i must feel when my husband, the man i sleep with everyday, doesn't even notice me anymore?!?! I'm not saying ever.. but on those days when i feel extra cute... it would feel so much better if my husband thought so too. I'm being really transparent right now. I usually never talk about my marital issues on here, but today this had to come out. What I said to him i meant. He's my "homecourt", and if I'm not receiving the attention I need in my "homecourt", i may start enjoying the "external" attention a lil too much! Yes, i was mad when I said it but it's true. I don't want to be validated by some random perv on the street... but if this is one of my needs that i have so clearly expressed, then it will be fulfilled in one way or another. I sound like a straight jerk... but at least i'm an honest jerk!
I do think i have some insecurities, i mean who doesn't... but i never thought that wanting my husband to tell me i'm "pretty" meant that i was insecure. Maybe i am. LOL... sounds pathetic when i read it in typed print. Why do i need his validation at all? Why does it matter what he thinks at all??? I hate being that dependent on someone... even my husband. I need to sort this out in my brain... because on the one hand... i really don't think there's anything wrong with looking to your husband to compliment you... but then again... it just sounds really pathetic. Women, most of the time unknowingly, seek the attention and approval of men. We even judge ourselves according to how many men compliment us now apposed to when we were younger and "thinner". We may not vocalize it, AT ALL, but we do notice when the compliments come fewer and far between. It makes us sad. And that's just with strangers!!!
Imagine how i must feel when my husband, the man i sleep with everyday, doesn't even notice me anymore?!?! I'm not saying ever.. but on those days when i feel extra cute... it would feel so much better if my husband thought so too. I'm being really transparent right now. I usually never talk about my marital issues on here, but today this had to come out. What I said to him i meant. He's my "homecourt", and if I'm not receiving the attention I need in my "homecourt", i may start enjoying the "external" attention a lil too much! Yes, i was mad when I said it but it's true. I don't want to be validated by some random perv on the street... but if this is one of my needs that i have so clearly expressed, then it will be fulfilled in one way or another. I sound like a straight jerk... but at least i'm an honest jerk!
Friday, September 4, 2009
Commune with God today...
Good morning all...
Today i'm just in this place where i wanna express just how much i need God. I need Him so much! Just lifting my head is a chore. I have no strength in my bones right now... but i'm so thankful for His Word that says, "My strength is made perfect in your weakness".... i cling to that word on today. Yesterday is in a furnace... yes, but now i'm trying to get today out of the ditch! I need a fresh anointing to rain down on me from Heaven. For the very strength, joy and peace of God to be upon me. The lord says that if i don't try to lean on my own feeble understanding, then the peace that goes beyond anything I can understand will fall upon me. I pray for that today. Confident assurance in Christ and Christ alone.
I can do all things through Christ that gives me strength. Anything?? Anything!! I'm going to really meditate on the fact that if i can believe... NOTHING is impossible to me. NOTHING AT ALL!! I pray that the Holy Spririt within me will assist me in believing and believing without doubt. Help me Heavenly Father to believe.
Amen
Today i'm just in this place where i wanna express just how much i need God. I need Him so much! Just lifting my head is a chore. I have no strength in my bones right now... but i'm so thankful for His Word that says, "My strength is made perfect in your weakness".... i cling to that word on today. Yesterday is in a furnace... yes, but now i'm trying to get today out of the ditch! I need a fresh anointing to rain down on me from Heaven. For the very strength, joy and peace of God to be upon me. The lord says that if i don't try to lean on my own feeble understanding, then the peace that goes beyond anything I can understand will fall upon me. I pray for that today. Confident assurance in Christ and Christ alone.
I can do all things through Christ that gives me strength. Anything?? Anything!! I'm going to really meditate on the fact that if i can believe... NOTHING is impossible to me. NOTHING AT ALL!! I pray that the Holy Spririt within me will assist me in believing and believing without doubt. Help me Heavenly Father to believe.
Amen
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Wake up call at 3:30pm .....
On Saturday, August 29th at 3:30 pm my wake up call came in. Hard. I'm at Chipotle's with one of my good friends and I was a lil jittery and so i'm like yeah... let me eat something. I eat. Feel a lil better for about 15 minutes. Then {{{ALARM, ALARM}}}!!!! My body just became completely weak... dizzy... nauseous... disoriented... and I just began to say... "take me to the hospital, take me to the hospital"..... get to the hospital, i'm freakin' out completely... they check my blood sugar and discover that it's a WHOPPING 233! 83 points above what it should be!
They check me into the hospital and begin their barrage of tests to figure out what's going on. I'm so afraid at this point that i'll end up like my father, his mother, my mother's father, my mother's mother and so many others that have suffered from the horrible horrible diabetes DEMON!! I begin to pray that God will give me another chance... a chance to fix this. I heard Him when He told me over a year ago that i needed to change my diet "or else"... why didn't I listen?!?!?! "Lord, please just give me another chance to change my diet so that i can change my circumstances"... "please"... "Hear my prayer Lord"... He heard me.
The doctor comes in on the second day and says, " I have good news and terrible news... which one do you want first"? My butt instantly begins to cringe... "Terrible news first, please"? He clears his throat, "We think it's type II diabetes and Diabetes itself is a horrible disease... it can be life threatening... it can totally ruin your life and even your chances for a good life"... I sink. I beg him for good news, "Well damn... what's the good news then"?... okay not so much begging but a lil ornery at this point. He begins, "Type II Diabetes is benign and is totally reversible if you completely change your eating habits and work out on a SUPER regular basis".... like i said... He heard me.
They totally could've come in and said, "YOU HAVE 5 MINUTES TO LIVE........ACTUALLY NOW YOU HAVE 4 minutes and 59 seconds... hahahahahHAHA!!!" ... but no... they didn't. They told my life is totally in my own hands at this point. Which really is kinda worse if you think about it. I suck and consistency. But now i HAVE to be consistent or I'll kill myself!??!! What kinda CRAP is that?!?!?! Be perfect in your decision making or you'll DIE!!?!?!?! Okay so maybe that's a lil dramatic but I don't know how well this is going to end for me. Everybody thinks that i don't have kids because we haven't had much luck... nah... it's because GOD FORBID ANYBODY'S LIFE BE IN MY HANDS... even my own!!!
Needless to say... this is the worse wake up call of my entire life. Now, i can't go back to sleep. Ever.
They check me into the hospital and begin their barrage of tests to figure out what's going on. I'm so afraid at this point that i'll end up like my father, his mother, my mother's father, my mother's mother and so many others that have suffered from the horrible horrible diabetes DEMON!! I begin to pray that God will give me another chance... a chance to fix this. I heard Him when He told me over a year ago that i needed to change my diet "or else"... why didn't I listen?!?!?! "Lord, please just give me another chance to change my diet so that i can change my circumstances"... "please"... "Hear my prayer Lord"... He heard me.
The doctor comes in on the second day and says, " I have good news and terrible news... which one do you want first"? My butt instantly begins to cringe... "Terrible news first, please"? He clears his throat, "We think it's type II diabetes and Diabetes itself is a horrible disease... it can be life threatening... it can totally ruin your life and even your chances for a good life"... I sink. I beg him for good news, "Well damn... what's the good news then"?... okay not so much begging but a lil ornery at this point. He begins, "Type II Diabetes is benign and is totally reversible if you completely change your eating habits and work out on a SUPER regular basis".... like i said... He heard me.
They totally could've come in and said, "YOU HAVE 5 MINUTES TO LIVE........ACTUALLY NOW YOU HAVE 4 minutes and 59 seconds... hahahahahHAHA!!!" ... but no... they didn't. They told my life is totally in my own hands at this point. Which really is kinda worse if you think about it. I suck and consistency. But now i HAVE to be consistent or I'll kill myself!??!! What kinda CRAP is that?!?!?! Be perfect in your decision making or you'll DIE!!?!?!?! Okay so maybe that's a lil dramatic but I don't know how well this is going to end for me. Everybody thinks that i don't have kids because we haven't had much luck... nah... it's because GOD FORBID ANYBODY'S LIFE BE IN MY HANDS... even my own!!!
Needless to say... this is the worse wake up call of my entire life. Now, i can't go back to sleep. Ever.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Spiritual Puke!
So today was the day that i let go a few lingering issues. Today was the day that i took control over a few things that were clogging up the pores to my spirit. I've been tight lipped about these things and didn't want to tell God how I really felt about them. I even TRIED to tell Him how I was feeling. It didn't work. I just felt this resistance... like SHHHHHHHHHHH... don't say nothing!! Today I couldn't take it anymore!!! I stuck my finger deep down into my throat and PUKED IT ALL OUT!!! All the stuff i've been wanting to ask for... all the feelings that I've been holding on to ... came flyin' outta my mouth in huge spiritual chunks! I saw somethings come out that for the life of me, i could figure out what i digested that would make THAT color of puke!
I feel a lil better i gotta say... but i think there will be more coming out tonight. That's right... it ain't over by a long shot. Just a minute ago i felt some rumbling in my spirit that let me know that there's more! So... i'm gonna take a deep breath and let the fat, spiritual baby chunks flow. While I know that you love my analogies of venting to God and PUKE... i just want you to know that it's all for you :-) lolololol...
No, but the reason I'm blogging this is because I want everybody (anybody who may read this) to know that there comes a time when all the things in life that we get poisoned with, and even the things we poison ourselves with, have to come out... one way or the other. However it comes out... get a fat bucket and puke it out before the Lord Almighty in Jesus Name!!! lololol
{{OmMppFF}} I think another round is underway... GOTTA GO!! Hope to see you there ;-)
I feel a lil better i gotta say... but i think there will be more coming out tonight. That's right... it ain't over by a long shot. Just a minute ago i felt some rumbling in my spirit that let me know that there's more! So... i'm gonna take a deep breath and let the fat, spiritual baby chunks flow. While I know that you love my analogies of venting to God and PUKE... i just want you to know that it's all for you :-) lolololol...
No, but the reason I'm blogging this is because I want everybody (anybody who may read this) to know that there comes a time when all the things in life that we get poisoned with, and even the things we poison ourselves with, have to come out... one way or the other. However it comes out... get a fat bucket and puke it out before the Lord Almighty in Jesus Name!!! lololol
{{OmMppFF}} I think another round is underway... GOTTA GO!! Hope to see you there ;-)
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
FINGER.WAVES.
Yeah so.. yesterday I was walking downtown and saw somebody with Finger Waves and was sincerely perplexed! Like... what??!?!?! Waves are back?? I'm gonna need the name and number of the person that authorized this comeback!! What makes it so bad... they weren't fresh at all! They were like crusty... and if anybody was like me back in the day... then you know that old brown gel STANKS! I thought i even saw somebody with a box the other day... i just don't know what's going on here! I'm trying to stay "in" as best i can but the older you get the less you know about today's fashions... that is unless you have access to teenagers who you can completely harrass on a weekly basis as the fads shift and change like the wind.
I'm in this tug of war with my age and how young i feel. I feel so old sometimes but I know that i'm young! So what should I put on my back right now??? LOL! Victoria Secrets Pink line are OUT for me simply because my boobs have decided for me that it ain't goin' down. period. I LOVE TORRIDS!!! However, Torrid money is non existent. period. SO= any ideas... what should 28/29 years old be wearing?? Keep in mind that i'm a SAVED 28/29 so don't come @ me with some stuff that has the majority of my Double D's hangin' out on the ground... lolololoL!
I'm in this tug of war with my age and how young i feel. I feel so old sometimes but I know that i'm young! So what should I put on my back right now??? LOL! Victoria Secrets Pink line are OUT for me simply because my boobs have decided for me that it ain't goin' down. period. I LOVE TORRIDS!!! However, Torrid money is non existent. period. SO= any ideas... what should 28/29 years old be wearing?? Keep in mind that i'm a SAVED 28/29 so don't come @ me with some stuff that has the majority of my Double D's hangin' out on the ground... lolololoL!
Friday, August 21, 2009
First post of 2009=All.At.Once.
I guess it's been a while huh? lol... I haven't committed to this website and I should because it gives me great peace to just come on here sometimes and just vent you know?? Well I'm going to give you something a lil different. I'm going to start a prayer journal instead of just a blog... i'm going to be really transparent with you all on here because I believe even if you don't say anything, it's possible that my struggles will help some of you cope with things... maybe even inspire you to want more from God and not be afraid to ask for it =)
2009 so far=
This year has been an eye-opener. Some of it very painful but some of it extremely liberating... When we don't live our lives to please God He will sometimes blind us of our mess... that is until He's ready to reveal to you the carnage you've left behind. Well 2009 began with a violent tearing away of the scales that were blinding my view of myself. It was painful and so far has led to a lot of nights on my face crying out to God to make me better. However, it made me free. Free of living in ignorance of myself and the things that I do. I'm thankful for that. Things that I thought i'd gotten over, my ways, my mouth and most of all my total lack of understanding where my purpose is concerned= it has been a huge awakening for me. I'm a 28 year old woman who has lived through horrible things that i mostly brought on myself and now i just want it all to stop. My faith in Christ should have given me peace through the storm and stability in waivering times but... i realized this year that although i believe that He is God... i didn't believe a WORD He said. Yeah... a WORD. I realized that i really don't stand on anything when faced with tribulation. I allowed the emotional aspect of it all sweep me in to overhaul and just dealt with it... without a fight.
Well i woke up... now i'm out of agreement with all those things that tried to hurt me and trick me into believing in them. I'm done.. and i'm ready to take a stand... on God's Word that is.
Here are the things that I strongly desire in 2009:
Peace
Love
Joy
Real Relationship with God
What is Good
What is Happy
What is Sweet
What Flows
Clarity
Direction
Fearlessness
Boldness
Concentration
Integrity
Wealth
Health
Abundance of Life
Children.
I want them NOW! I'm not afraid to ask for them anymore... all. at. once.<
2009 so far=
This year has been an eye-opener. Some of it very painful but some of it extremely liberating... When we don't live our lives to please God He will sometimes blind us of our mess... that is until He's ready to reveal to you the carnage you've left behind. Well 2009 began with a violent tearing away of the scales that were blinding my view of myself. It was painful and so far has led to a lot of nights on my face crying out to God to make me better. However, it made me free. Free of living in ignorance of myself and the things that I do. I'm thankful for that. Things that I thought i'd gotten over, my ways, my mouth and most of all my total lack of understanding where my purpose is concerned= it has been a huge awakening for me. I'm a 28 year old woman who has lived through horrible things that i mostly brought on myself and now i just want it all to stop. My faith in Christ should have given me peace through the storm and stability in waivering times but... i realized this year that although i believe that He is God... i didn't believe a WORD He said. Yeah... a WORD. I realized that i really don't stand on anything when faced with tribulation. I allowed the emotional aspect of it all sweep me in to overhaul and just dealt with it... without a fight.
Well i woke up... now i'm out of agreement with all those things that tried to hurt me and trick me into believing in them. I'm done.. and i'm ready to take a stand... on God's Word that is.
Here are the things that I strongly desire in 2009:
Peace
Love
Joy
Real Relationship with God
What is Good
What is Happy
What is Sweet
What Flows
Clarity
Direction
Fearlessness
Boldness
Concentration
Integrity
Wealth
Health
Abundance of Life
Children.
I want them NOW! I'm not afraid to ask for them anymore... all. at. once.<
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