I'm in love...

Before I start, i would like to say that, for me, this blog is a way to vent and also to work out my salvation with fear and trembling. [Philippians 2:12] ... that means, some days it will be happy... but for real... most days it will be calling out and questioning my thought processes to bring every thought into captivity. [2 Cor. 5:5]

I'm in love=

With a man who's heart is so pure that sometimes i really DO have the feeling that i don't deserve him. I'm sure if he was asked, he'd say the same about me- but it just isn't true. He quit his job a couple of months ago because they were, quite literally, trying to kill him...lol.. so, right now we're just doing what we have to until something comes through. In the meantime, my husband wakes me up in the morning, makes my breakfast- gets me out the door- when i come home, the house is spot less, dinner is cooking- timed perfectly for my arrival home, my towel and lotion are on the bed waiting for me to come out of the shower, he puts lotion on my back when i get out of the shower- we eat dinner, he takes my plate and puts it in the sink, gets what's left of dinner and puts it up, careful to immediately start making my lunch for the next day- we sit, watch a lil t.v. - maybe read the Word and pray- we go to sleep and it's starts all over again.

I feel tears welling up in my eyes right now. I can't believe that God gave me this man to be my husband. I don't deserve his love and unbelievable care. I feel so blessed to have him that i almost feel guilty BECAUSE i have him. How could someone other than God love me so much... i was told by my father, God rest his soul, that i would never be married- that no man would ever love me. I believed it. I'm sad that i believed it, because sometimes i still feel like my marriage shouldn't be this wonderful. That somehow i deserve to be unhappy and alone. I need for God to take this away from me.

Very early in our marriage, i tried to push him away from me because i believed what my father said. We often create what we fear. I did. I made our marriage hell because i thought that divorce was inevitable anyway. That something was wrong with me and when my husband found out, he would just leave. So i tried to speed up the process by being UNbearable and UNlovable. Until one day my husband looked at me and said, "take your time, go ahead and get it all out of your system, because i'm not going anywhere. And when you're ready, i'll still be here". It seemed likeI cried until my eyes stopped producing tears. I surrendored. I accepted his love and began to really deal with myself.

In return, i got a marriage that is so loving and wonderful. SO much so that other couples ask US questions on how to get where we are. Even though we're still very young and young in our marriage. On today, i feel those feeling creeping up again. Those feelings that whisper to me saying ::: you don't deserve him, you don't treat him well enough ::: Although, now i know that this isn't true- i wonder what sparked them? I have a wonderful husband, one who wouldn't flinch to die for me... but even better, hasn't hesitated to live for me either! We've been through so much and still have much more to conquer together- yet it seems that we're only just getting to know one another. I know God hears me when i pray to Him... i'm forever searching for answers to questions i've asked a million times already. I know that becoming "whole" is the journey. Becoming still and not being swayed by every wind that blows is the journey. I just pray to appreciate that... because i'm ready for that type of stability now.

Yet, i'm in love. That's the path i'm on right now... walking hand in hand with a man that loves me from head to toe. Who can make me smile with just a twitch of his eye brow. Whom I will constantly be trying to serve for as long as I live= renewing my mind and state of mind as not to jeopardize the peace that we've found. I pray that we ALL figure out that we are worth MUCH... not because of who we are... but because of WHOM we belong to. {Christ} He taught my husband how to love me.

Ephesians 5:25 For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her 26 to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word.
27 He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. 28 In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. 29 No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church.

Signing Out ::: And I'm so thankful :::

Monday ramblings...

So, it's Monday....No, this isn't what I do all day. Sometimes though, it doesn't seem any different. Sometimes you can get in a cycle of just... well.. NOTHINGNESS. I've always wanted my life to have a greater meaning than just an assembly line of same ol same ol. I miss working with my kids, but it's very clear that God needs to build me back up from this past season of learning. I learned a lot in this past season, mostly about how to love my enemies. It as draining and was one of the hardest lessons YET! It dragged me away from some things that I love dearly... one of them is teaching teens at my church bible study. I miss the teen girl group that I started on Saturdays (VWT= Virtuous Women in Training) I know they miss it too. I'm just not sure where my starting point is. I have to get back to the things I love or I'll be further dragged away. My job IS a means to and end right now and I respect my job as well as the One =God= who gave it to me. But I want more.



Most people, these days, are happy if they even HAVE a job. Me? I think bigger, and I always have. I'm so relentless about these things... that I know that I will have at least SOME of the things I desire. I don't know how, and as far as I'm concerned, that part isn't up to me. I do, however, desire more from God. I'm a perfectly ready and willing instrument for His good purposes. I want more. What God is waiting for? I don't know, maybe there is so much more that I need to know... maybe i'm so young that He hasn't even built a true and sturdy foundation for me yet. Whatever the reason, I wonder is there a way to speed things up a little..lol. I do have a relationship with my Father in Heaven, so none of what I'm saying is a big shocker to Him. However, I know some of you reading this (assuming there is someone) is a little shocked at how I'm speaking about and to God. Well... that may be because you're still operating under an untrue opinion about who God is. Religion will do that to you... God is not interested in your religion... He is however interested in the relationship that you have with Him. He asks that we worship Him in spirit and in Truth... how can you worship God if you're not honest with Him about your feelings? I mean the REAL feelings! That stuff that only God knows because He knows EVERYTHING! It's ok... He knows the things that you don't say, only, He probably wishes you would. It's the part of the relationship He really values... the disclosure to Him. The confession... the plain old, open your mouth and talk to Him thing.



Anyways... sorry, got a bit off subject- or maybe i'm right on target for someone reading this. :-) That always makes me smile, just thinking of the possibility that something I say in passing is going to be just the thing someone else needed to hear to make things ok for them. Well, if that's the truth, let me know. I love praise reports.

again= back to our regularly scheduled program=

I NEED to believe that there is more than this, then working 5 days a week, same hours, same days, same conversations, same folks- same same same SAME... trying to shake it off today... and hope for bigger things= after all... Truth breeds trust, Trust breeds hope & Hope breeds assurance... and when I lack any- I have to start back at Truth... what do i believe?

I believe that this picture of my jewelry gives me hope for something better:

The Posts Below

This is a quick flash of what all has been going on in my life for the past month... I'll be posting more... but this... is the MEAT of everything...

I keep more than one blog... and i'm trying to figure out a way to only post in ONE of them... hmm... i don't have very many followers on this one... NONE to be exact....so i usually don't post here... but read them... comment on them... and tell me what you think!

God Bless!

==RanDomNEsS==

Every time i smell poot, i look around like imma be able to tell who did it... lol.. why? LIke the person who did it is just gon' look @ me and be like, "it was me, i did it! It was dem chipz" ... jess ignit! [[RandomNESS]]
I love me... lol... sometimes i think there's an asterick next to me wherever i go. Especially wen i really am reflecting Godly behavior. Why not say ONLY wen i'm reflecting God? Well there were times wen i wasn't and still there was God's grace that kept me in the light so... there! lol.. i love the fact that i can pick up any artistic endeavor and say to it... "i own yew"! lol...
I love the fact that sometimes wen i'm sad... if i listen close enough i can hear songs in my spirit that is exactly what i'm feeling... i then know that the Holy Spirit is speaking to me about how and why i'm feeling that way... and sometimes a song will be playing in my head and i know that my spirit is actually encouraging me to celebrate God WITH Him... it's awesome being me! lol.. only because Jesus lives with me.... yep... i said it... HE LIVES WITH ME... He's in my body, He's in my home, He's in my Husband and He's in my Life.... literally my day to day process. He's constantly removing things from me... some things are shocking because i didn't know that i even had them in me to begin with.
Hmmm... i look around at my job and my perspective changes a lot. I ask God things that most people would be afraid to ask because they still think God is a God that will "strike" them down right where they stand. Well, I don't know who your god is... but MY God... welcomes conversation, questions and relationship. I love the fact that greatness is within me always... i love the fact that God will use me to minister to children and then their parents!! One of my brothers told me that it's like that because there is a serious anointing on my life and that although i'm starting out with kids, i could reach anybody. Me and the hubby have preached to the young and the old, the single and the married... even different races of people. What an honor to be Christ's ambassador.
I also love that fact that I can't do what you do and you can't do what I do. That because of that there is no need for envy... because where God is sending you, I can't go and where He's sending me you can't go either! One of the hardest things for me to recognize at times... is who is meant to take this journey with you and who were meant to teach you something and then move on... that's always been hard. I love hard you know? So when i love you.. .i want you to share in what God has shown and given me... and NOW thank you! lololol... but that's just not how God needs for things to be. I can love you... but i still might have to leave you to do wat God called me to do. For ministry... for ANY type of ministry... things have to quiet down in your personal life so that there can be a healthy balance of home and Him. If not, you'll cause more pain then you intended. V and I are finally at a peaceful place in our lives and marriage... so... guess what time it is now? lololol...yeeew guessed it~~ MINISTRY TIME...
Man, it seem like everytime i speak to my Shannaboo... she drop another level of Wisdom on my forehead and it just encourages me to keep goin'... that it's only "time"...that's all... it's only "time" to do what God spoke in you at your conception. Is it time for everybody?? NO... HECK no... just because everybody around you is moving in Christ doesn't mean you're ready... you can't just walk out of knee surgery and run a marathon can you?? Take your time, go through physical therapy, get your balance back... get to know the new knee better and learn what type of pressure you can put on it before it starts to hurt... do this with your spiritual walk... WE rush... not God... His time, on the other hand, is perfect and perfectly rationed out!
All I ask? Get outta my way... because i'm not stopping.

[[RandomNEss paragraph]]
There is a building across from me coming down and it's beautiful to me... because i what i see is the clearing out of the old in preparation for the new.. thnx to my spiritual eyez i see that in me too... wow... Michelleville is getting a facelift on all fronts.. what a place... it's a bright place... electricity at night still looks like the calming flickerz of candles... harmony is a prerequisite and whatever or whoever brings strife has to leave... effective IMMEDIATELY!! Christ leads and often teaches on every block simultaneously... what a place... hmm... let me stop there because it is, afterall, a secret society that you get in by invitation only! i hear a song right now that has the sharpest harmonies in it...wow... i'm swaying my body back and forth as i listen... it makes me smile because it makes me think about happy stuff ~~~smile~~~ i'm getting a puppy soon... a Boston Terrier... they are super cute... i wonder is it weird that i hate to have living things because i'm afraid they'll die... hmmm... guess that's just a part of life on this side of things. Why am i so irritated by my co workers flip flopz... dang! I have some though, why doesn't it irritate me? I'on know... but i'm constantly worried about whether or not it's irritating someone else...lolol... 'Chelleville stuff...lol.. why do i care about offending others so much? i used to be unabashed about my stuff... but i guess since Jesus took over Michelleville, the whole culture changed... love it! I wonder sometimes if i would be able to break dance and pop lock if my boobz weren't so big...LOLOLOLOLOL... i'm foreal crackin' up about that one....lolololol... HECKY NAW... i still wouldn't be able to... i juss ain't built that way... but i got the baddest two step in town. I think i make God laugh... a LOT... if i told you why, i would have to kill you ...SIKE nah....lololol... but i still aint tellin'... k... i think i'm done... hmmm... oh wait... this is gonna be my sayin' for a while... well at least until sumn else comes up: "LOOK! I don't have an ego...I just love how awesome I am..."
~Michelleville

What I ache for on today...

hope for so much. It's "much" in my mind because I'm not HE who is able. I know He can do ALL things and I'm no longer afraid to believe that. When I believe that, I can believe Him for greater things than I've ever believed before with the assurance that He'll do what He says He'll do.
Sometimes I wish I could sit in the clouds with a spoon and eat them. I imagine that they taste like cotton candy. I wish I could grab on to a bird and let him take me for a quick flight somewhere. I stare out of the window and just imagine things that give me joy. I know if I can see it, then one day I might just be able to do it.
I love to create things with my hands. I learned to make jewelry after just 30 minutes. I was very impressed with the way God would express Himself through me. I weave baskets, paint pictures, sketch images... and it is, besides praying, the most serene thing that [[Michelle]] could ever do in a quiet moment. I find myself hiding inside of me sometimes. I go into this [{hiding}] place. I imagine that I'm under His wings playing quietly. I'm like a child there in that place. I feel protected and warm. The warmth is coming from Him. There are lots of things going on around me [on the outside] but i can barely even hear them, let alone see them. I eventually just fall asleep while being rocked to sleep underneath those wings.
That's what I ache for today. To just crawl into my hiding place with Jesus and just let Him tell me stories about Heaven. Listen to all the wonderful things that go on there. If I could only just hear Him say that He's coming for me soon. That He will call me up home soon. I miss Him and I don't remember ever seeing Him. If He could just lay His hand on my pain and command it to go away... that I might be healed in my body and my spirit. Not because I deserve it because I never will... but because I believe Him and that He can. Just for Him to touch my hand and surround me with His love and His presence. That's what I ache for on today. If it doesn't look like Jeremiah 29:11... to me... it's not true.

♥Chelleville♥

Motives 4 Money...

Studying the master's literature gives me an opportunity to hold it up as a mirror to my own life. On today i am wondering about one thing. I wonder what my motives for wanting wealth truly are. And as I examine those motives, i wonder.... Are they wrong? The word talks about when Christ had this interaction with a young man who wanted to know what he could do to achieve eternal life:

Mat 19:16-26 Behold, one came to him and said, "Good teacher, what good thing shall I do, that I may have eternal life?" (17) He said to him, "Why do you call me good? No one is good but one, that is, God. But if you want to enter into life, keep the commandments." (18) He said to him, "Which ones?" Jesus said, "'You shall not murder.' 'You shall not commit adultery.' 'You shall not steal.' 'You shall not offer false testimony.' (19) 'Honor your father and mother.' And, 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.'" (20) The young man said to him, "All these things I have observed from my youth. What do I still lack?" (21) Jesus said to him, "If you want to be perfect, go, sell what you have, and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me." (22) But when the young man heard the saying, he went away sad, for he was one who had great possessions. (23) Jesus said to his disciples, "Most assuredly I say to you, a rich man will enter into the Kingdom of Heaven with difficulty. (24) Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through a needle's eye, than for a rich man to enter into the Kingdom of God." (25) When the disciples heard it, they were exceedingly astonished, saying, "Who then can be saved?" (26) Looking at them, Jesus said, "With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."

I know that all things are possible with God and God only. So i wonder about this wealth thing. My husband and I do want to have wealth and to be comfortable in our lives. Now, this is not to say that we are aiming to be the richest people in the world- but we have our minds fixed on two things: ministry and wealth.
We decided that we would work hard as a family to be well off because we realized that walking the same path Jesus walked wasn't our walk. We tried that and was really serious about wanting to walk where and how Jesus walked. God was in agreement with us. His word says in Matthew 2:19-"Again I say unto you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven." When God agreed we began to receive according to our faith and according to what we had asked. We couldn't keep a car running for ANYTHING because we had agreed that we wanted to live a missionary's life. We had just enough to get by because God said He would provide all our needs but, we didn't agree on having our "wants" provided too. We were constantly ministering.. so much so that we couldn't hardly rest without people coming INTO our resting places desperate for God IN us. We were constantly in motion.... we moved from one job to the next. Not because we weren't capable of keeping a job... but because there were PEOPLE that God needed for us to minister to at each job so we had to keep going to where these people were. City to city... state to state. You wouldn't believe it. We didn't either until one day God woke me up!
He began to lovingly show me that He was only giving me what I asked for. The very desires of my heart. However, my desires weren't in line with the truth of who He made me to be. The really funny thing is. I was asking for that life... but not really fully present with what i was asking for! lol... I was completely confused with how 2 married people could be WORKING but just barely making it. How 3 cars would fail in 3 years. I wasn't quite clear on why i kept moving from job to job and have the only memorable things at each job be the people that i was able to minister to while I was there. It was like as soon as the message from God through me had been clearly conveyed to them ... i was off to another job! wow...The missionary lifestyle isn't meant for everyone. Just like for somebody else, working on cars all day long is a serious passion, but for me, it would feel like unbearable bondage that i would be screaming for God to take from me! lol...
I am confident that since my husband and I have finally come to the realization that that isn't what we want and changed our hearts ... God will give it to us! He didn't hesitate to give us a walk like Christ's. I'm positive that He will give us the walk of David too! LOL... no... we don't want to be rich like David or Solomon for that matter.... but that brings me to my next point==David's wealth was not a sin!
I can't help but to be afraid to obtain wealth... why? Because I want the love of Christ and Heaven more than I want anything ELSE in this world! So i worry that having money will prevent me from getting there.... i don't want anything more than i want eternal life in Heaven. My husband and I will have children...and they deserve a comfortable living provided for them. They deserve parents that aren't struggling to eat... or struggling to get from place to place. People think that when Christ said that He came that we might have life and life more abundantly that He's only talking about financial gain. He was also talking about the quality of life... quality of things that mean more than money as well and we want those things too.
So...Why Do I want wealth? I want wealth because i have struggled my whole life. I don't want my kids or my husband to struggle in our latter years too! I also have charities and organizations i want to run one day... i can't do that broke and homeless! I want to be able to travel and enjoy my marriage in creative ways. I'm always honest with God about what my desires are because if my desires are wrong He can tell me whether or not they are wrong. I mean, God made it clear of 2 things: The way Christ walke was not wrong (of course) but also that David's life as a wise and rich King wasn't wrong either.
My question to God: Where is the middle? Jesus was a single man when He was here... His only worry WAS the "Church"... I don't think it's a coincidence that God asks that the Husbands love their wives the way that Christ loved the church. The husband should be focused on loving his wife and caring for her. They compared a husband's love for his wife to the way Jesus loves the "church"...i believe it's because God knows that a married man's (and woman's)cares will be for his/her family... which means our FIRST ministry IS our marriage. right?
When i asked God these things, I felt a release in my spirit and in my life... like i was finally on to something.... things began to get easier... really easy... going to work was more of an opportunity and not just a burden... looking into school and business ideas was a pleasure and not a confusing mess... It feels like God is telling me i'm on the right path now... but...
....are these desires selfish and sinful? That's the question i have for all of you who are getting to know God for themselves... are my desires considered a sin? Am I going to be the camel trying to get through the needle when it's all said and done?

♥=Chelle'ville=♥

QUICK Testimony about my Hair Journey

I'm very passionate about a lot of things and this is one of them. My natural journey is a highly spiritual one. A journey where I am desperately trying to get back and REMAIN in what God originally made me to be. I was living a LYE... AND a lie... very afraid of my natural beauty. Trying to cover myself up roots and all. Trying to just "blend in" because I felt that if anyone got too close to me and saw my imperfections... then they'd leave me... instantly. One of those imperfections in my mind was my hair. While it was only the outer shell... it was so status quo that nobody could see anything other than shiny straight hair- every hair was in place and FLAT!--just like everybody else--- "If you can't beat em, join em"- was my motto. I was putting perm in my hair every TWO weeks because my hair was sooo thick and wavy... at the slightEST kink or wave- off to the store to get my African Pride perm, which to me, the name alone is the ultimate slap in the face! The perms damaged my scalp so bad that i'm not sure i'll ever come back from it! One day, after being in intense prayer asking God to restore me to what He originally made me to be... He took me over to the mirror. He said to my spirit, "You deny me in your body, you want to be what I originally made- start from the head down to your toes"... I looked in the mirror hard like, "what?" When my eyes reach the top of my head I realized what God was saying... I denied what He originally made my hair to look like! (among other things) Did i think God made a mistake with my hair??? I DID call hair "good or bad hair" ... and i truly believed that this was a true statement. How wrong I was!! If God made it, it is perfect and good. WE can choose to make it bad or evil... but God CAN'T make a mistake... soooo... i was wrong. That day I took scissors to my head and cut off ALL my perm... and rocked it hard. I was soooo happy that I had done it. I realized that my Dad in Heaven could never make a mistake and that my original "Blue Print" had to be much better than what I TRIED to make it. So I surrendored and let God take the wheel. What's funny is now, the more messy, kinky and wild my hair looks, the more i love it. I'm a perfect imperfection and i love me...While not everybody's experience will be like mine... i'm glad this is how i came to be a Happy Nappy... I hope it inspires someone else to question their motives for perming their hair and to come to the ulitimate conclusion that... GOD CAN'T MAKE MISTAKES... and HE didn't make one on you either... Be Blessed and learn to have PURPOSE in all you do...